


pools of sorrow, waves of joy

by monsterleadmehome



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, Star Wars Episode VII: The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Prompt Fill, Ratings are all over the place so read the notes at the beginning of each chapter, Tumblr Prompt, reylo song prompts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-01
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-05-17 01:03:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 22,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14822279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monsterleadmehome/pseuds/monsterleadmehome
Summary: A collection of drabbles from mytumblr song prompts. Ratings and universe will vary, check notes at the beginning of each chapter for more info.





	1. to make you feel my love

**Author's Note:**

> To Make You Feel My Love by Bob Dylan for dreamsdescent
> 
> Rating: M  
> Canonverse, post-TLJ

_ When the evening shadows and the stars appear _

_ And there is no one there to dry your tears _

_ Oh I could hold you for a million years _

_ To make you feel my love _

 

_ I know you haven't made your mind up yet _

_ But I will never do you wrong _

_ I've known it from the moment that we met _

_ No doubt in my mind where you belong _

 

They had been practicing… with the bond. It was easier to control now, to pull taut on the cord that binds them and find themselves in each other’s presence. They had been practicing other things, too.

He is now familiar with the curves of her body, how her naked skin looks in the glow of starlight. He has held her while she’s cried, over lives lost in the wake of his destruction. He has made promises he’s not sure if he can keep.

But she looks so beautiful now, splayed out on her Resistance-issue mattress beneath him.  _ His Rey _ . She shudders beneath him, and he can feel her nails dig into his back as he pushes inside her. Deeper. Closer. But never close enough. He doesn’t think he can ever show her just how much this means to him, but then he has an idea. 

He shows her through the bond - the memory of their first fight. Her face bathed in the cold light of the forest, as she called his grandfather’s saber to her. He sends her his feelings, how awestruck he was at the sight of her. How ethereal and luminous she looked. How he knew in that moment that nothing else mattered. Would ever matter.

Her eyes go wide as she receives this, like it’s brand new information. Like he hasn’t spent the past year with his heart on his sleeve every time she’s around. “Even then?” she whispers between moans.

“Always,” he says as he quickens the pace of his thrusts.

She comes with his name on her lips, “Ben, Ben, Ben.”

He finally feels like that’s who he is.


	2. too good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TOO GOOD by Troye Sivan for enjoyallneednothing-blog
> 
> Rating: M  
> Modern AU

_ Fingers walk your thigh _

_ Breathe my love, get high _

_ And ohh, I'm so scared _

_ Ohh, I'm so scared _

_ It's just for tonight _

 

_ Too good to be good for me _

_ Too bad that that's all I need _

_ Too good to be good for me _

_ Too bad that that's all I need _

_ All I need _

 

Every time is the last time. That’s what Rey tells herself. She repeats it over and over as she types Ben’s number into her phone (now memorized after deleting him as a contact too many times to count). She thinks it as she knocks on his door. She screams it between his sheets. This time is the last time. 

Even as she knows that she’s falling in love with him. That this became something more ages ago. Because he’s not good for her. He only brings destruction and chaos. She wishes she didn’t like it so much. 

It is unavoidable that she runs into him. Their lives are intertwined to the point that it’s laughable. Inwardly she begs him not to sit beside her, but she is unable to stop her eyes from lighting up when he enters the room, taking the seat next to hers. His fingers trail up her thigh underneath the table, out of everyone’s view and she thinks,  _ Okay  _ this _ will be the last time _ . 

*

This time is the last time. Ben tells himself that every time Rey shows up at his door again. Each precious second he gets to spend with her he knows is the last because he is so undeserving. Soon she will realize this and run away, like everyone else. But she keeps coming back. And he is all too eager to please. 

It’s just for tonight he thinks as he pours her a drink. She won’t be back, the voice in his head taunts as he kisses her soft, dewy lips. She’ll be gone in the morning is the line running through his head as he brings his mouth to her inner thigh, makes her scream as she falls apart on his tongue. 

He loves her. So every last time is a gift. He’s scared she’ll be gone every time she returns, but he keeps giving because she’s too good to pass up. Even if it’s just one more night. He sits beside her at the table, in front of the people who all know she deserves better. He can’t keep his fingers away from the flesh exposed by her short skirt and he thinks,  _ One more night. _


	3. so it goes...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So It Goes… by Taylor Swift for ifoundthedevilifoundhiminalover
> 
> Rating: E  
> Modern AU

_ And our pieces fall _

_ Right into place _

_ Get caught up in the moments _

_ Lipstick on your face _

_ So it goes _

_ I'm yours to keep _

_ And I'm yours to lose _

_ You know I'm not a bad girl, but I _

_ Do bad things with you _

_ So it goes _

 

_ Come here, dressed in black now _

_ So, so, so it goes _

_ Scratches down your back now _

_ So, so, so it goes _

 

What they did… it wasn’t necessarily bad; but it was illegal. Which is how they found themselves almost a modern day Bonnie and Clyde, only they were Rey and Ben. It didn’t roll off the tongue as nicely. Regardless of what had happened, they were nomads now. Never staying in the same place for too long. It wasn’t as if there was an all out manhunt for them, but it didn’t hurt to stay off the grid. 

 

They mostly kept to themselves, dirtying up cheap motel rooms, staining the sheets. Rey always felt bad for the maids and tried to leave a generous tip. She didn’t feel bad about the way Ben made her feel, though. Once in a while, she would get the itch to go out. He could never deny her anything, least of all the pleasure of a good time followed by a good fuck. They pretended to be strangers, meeting in a dark club for the first time.

 

The bass pounded through the speakers, neon light coating the dance floor in shades of purple and blue. His hair had grown long, and there was stubble on his face. The light hit his hair just right, igniting his raven locks to a midnight blue and she smiled as she approached him. He was dressed all in black, form fitting clothes clinging to his well-defined muscles. She had on a skin tight dress that almost looked painted on, and he raked his eyes over her body greedily, as if he wasn’t achingly familiar with every inch of her. As if he were a starving man seeing food for the first time in weeks. He cast a possessive glance around the club as if to dare any other man to even  _ think _ about looking at her.

 

“You must be new here,” she extolled, looking up into his ocher eyes. “I would remember a man of your intensity.”

 

“I am. Care to dance?” He asked it as a question but grabbed her around the waist at the same time and pulled her tight against his body. She could feel he was already hard and gasped at the sensation.

 

The ground out a rhythm to the song, but the music became less and less important until she whispered in his ear, “Bathroom?”

 

He simply nodded, his eyes darkened with need.

 

He locked the door behind them and he pressed her against the door, kissing her hungrily. His tongue slipped into her mouth, eliciting a desperate moan from her lips. This was the only cue he needed to hoist her up by her ass, pinning her against the bathroom wall, the skirt of her dress now well above her waist. She wrapped her legs around him dutifully. There was neither time nor room to pull off all their clothes and he could feel her arousal soaking through the itty bitty panties she had on. He pushed aside the thin strip of fabric and dipped a finger inside, brushing against the sensitive bud beneath. 

 

“Fuck, Ben.”

 

“Shh… we’re strangers, remember?” He covered her mouth with his again as he worked his fingers inside her.

  
“Please, please make me come,” she kissed his earlobe as she whispered her plea.

 

He slid his fingers out of her and used her slick to coat the length of his cock, as he guided it toward her entrance. In one fluid motion, he shoved inside of her to the hilt. The noise she made was otherworldly, and he had to pause. Regaining control, he fucked her hard against the wall, the slap of skin reverberating off the tile of the bathroom. Their noises were covered by the heavy bass just outside the door. With each thrust, she came closer, hands exploring the planes of his back, under his shirt, leaving scratches that she’d later soothe with aloe.

 

When he felts her walls clenching around him, he covered her mouth with his again, accepting her cries of pleasure so no one else would hear. He followed seconds later, pumping her full to the brim. As he slid out and released her to stand on wobbly legs, he was taken aback by her laughter. “What?”

 

She smiled, utterly debauched. “You have lipstick all over your face.”


	4. telepathic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Telepathic by Starset for nightblossoms-and-spinebarrels
> 
> Rating: T  
> Canonverse, Post-TLJ

_And you always turn away_   
_Back to the start where I break through_   
_You can run, you can run away_   
_I will wait in the dark for you_   
_Should've never felt this way_   
_Cause you're the sun and I'm just a moon_   
_I'm in the dark 'till you light the way_   
_Cause I'm see through_   
_You can read my mind_   
_I feel it all the time_   
_Felt it all around you_   
_You had me under spell right from the start_   
_I don't have a telepathic heart_ _  
_ Telepathic

  
_Blind, I fall into the line_   
_That's waiting just to get you_   
_But I don't ever know just what we are_   
_I don't have a telepathic heart_ _  
_ Telepathic

  


He’s been told he has his father’s heart. He guesses that’s why it hurts so much when she closes the door of the ship that once belonged to him. He is too sentimental, too weak. He let his emotions blind him to the truth: Rey was never going to want someone like him.

 

He throws himself into the mission, establish a new order, something better than before. He cracks down on the cartels, clears out the slaver’s markets, commissions buildings for better hospitals and schools. Hux is incensed, but he doesn’t care. It takes the sting off a little, until the tell-tale vacuum of sound around him alerts him to her presence. He doesn’t turn around to see her. It’s easier to pretend he doesn’t want to. “I thought you shut me out.”

 

“I thought I did, too.”

 

He does turn then, seeing her for the first time in months. She is still painfully beautiful, like shards of glass piercing his chest as he drinks her in. “Then why are you here?”

 

“It seems the Force doesn’t want us apart.” She smiles a little, but it’s rimmed with sadness.

 

“Then you shouldn’t have run away and left me for dead.” He turns around as if to walk away, but where could he escape her? She is everywhere, all around, inside him.

 

Her voice gets louder. “Is that what you think I did? Didn’t you ask yourself why I didn’t kill you?”

 

“Every day,” he answers.

 

“I thought it was rather obvious,” she says. Before she can explain any further, she is gone.

 

He will wait.

 

*

 

The next time they are connected, her face is awash with surprise. “You shut down Plutt’s operation.”

 

“Of course. He’s been running all kind of illegal scams on the people for years.”

 

“Did you do it for me?” she almost whispers.

 

He stops short, takes a few steps forward. “Rey, all of this is for you. _Everything_. I know I can’t be what you want, but it doesn’t mean I’m going to stop trying.”

 

Tears are falling down her cheeks as she looks up at him with the most puzzling expression. “Ben - don’t you understand? You’re _all_ I want.”

 

He looks at her as if he doesn’t believe her. “I can’t read your mind, Rey. Not without permission.”

 

She smiles as she reaches up to touch his cheek. “You have my permission.”

 

He doesn’t need to touch her, but he wants to. He removes his glove and caresses her temple, closing his eyes. He sees himself, in the throne room. The thrill of hope that rushed through her body as they defeated the last guards. She had gotten what she came for. Now she and Ben could go back to Ahch-To together, Luke would apologize, and they could start a new Jedi order. One that didn’t shy away from the dark side. They would be together, and she would have the family she always wanted with the man that she loves. Then he felt her heart break in two as he asked her to join him in ruling the galaxy. He wanted to stay in the dark, and she felt powerless to stop him. He saw her sitting on the Falcon, feeling emptier than ever before, wishing she had never left Jakku.

 

When he opens his eyes, she is crying again, hazel eyes glassy through the tears. “Do you understand now?”

 

“Yes,” he says before he covers her mouth with his own. He wipes away her tears as he cups her face, kissing her with everything he’s got.  


	5. miss you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Miss You (piano) by Gabrielle Aplin for newerconstellations
> 
> Rating: T  
> Canonverse, Post-TLJ

_So what you been doing?_  
_I thought that I saw you, I guess I was wrong_  
_Are you doing the same thing?_  
_Convincing yourself you're better alone_  
_And I could tell you how you never left my mind_  
_Then you tell me that you miss me and I'm like_  
  
_Oh God, I miss you too_  
_It's all I ever do_  
_I'm coming back to you_  
_And I won't let go_  
_Oh God, I miss you too_  
_We got making up to do_  
_I'm coming back to you_  
_And I won't let go again_  
_Oh, I won't let go again_

She has been crying again. Her eyes are puffy and red and she’s sure everyone is staring at her as she makes her way through the mess hall and takes the tray of food back to her quarters. Rey ignores the imploring looks from Finn and the newly healed Rose, striding with purpose through the base. Once she is alone, she eats without feeling. She would never skip a meal, but even the hearty food that she would normally take pleasure in is tasteless and unsatisfying. She finishes and pulls her knees to her chest, hugging herself in a poor approximation for human comfort. There’s only one person she craves that contact from, and she has been intentionally shutting him out.

 

Though she’s not sure how much longer she can do it. She feels weaker somehow, without his presence around. She wonders if he feels the same. She keeps telling herself she’s better off, that he made his choice. Then she thinks of the last time she saw him, his face pained in contrition, as she effectively slammed the door in his face. It was hard, but it had to be done. Right? Then why did it feel so wrong?

 

A few days pass, and Rey cannot do it anymore. She is in physical pain now. What started as a dull ache in her chest has turned into a throb. She has been to the medic and nothing is technically wrong with her. She knows why she feels so off. Slowly, she lowers the mental shields she worked so hard on maintaining for the past several months. Within twenty minutes, the atmosphere changes and she feels him before she sees him. He looks shocked and relieved to see her.

 

“Ben… I miss you.”

 

*

 

Being Supreme Leader is lonely. He has always been lonely, but this solitude is more acute, more severe. He almost had everything he wanted. He was almost happy. But he had put himself on the line, and she rejected him. Now he is aimless. He is going through the motions. He has the whole galaxy at his mercy, but he doesn’t want it. It’s useless without her. Without Rey.

 

A droid brings him his dinner and he can only pick at it. Food has lost its flavor. The only time he feels somewhat functional is when he’s training, swinging his saber at the combat droids, coming back to his chambers drenched in sweat. Even that has been harder these days. It takes more effort and he tires more quickly. It’s like he is being drained of his energy. He thinks it has to do with his lack of contact with Rey. They are stronger together, through their bond.

 

She has been keeping him at bay, though. He tries, oh how he tries. But every time he reaches for her through the Force, all he gets is a blank space. She is keeping herself hidden, and it is utter agony. Maybe it was stupid to offer her a place at his side, but he wouldn’t be foolish enough to think things would have been better had he gone with her. They both made their choices. He wonders if she is hurting as much as he is. He can imagine that she is happy with her traitor friends in the Resistance, learning from his mother, being the hero she was meant to be. No, she is probably better off without him.

 

Then he feels the air shift and the ambient noise drown out. She’s here. He turns and looks at her, amazed. She is beautiful, but she looks like she is in distress. “Ben… I miss you.”

 

He is up from his seat in a second and rushes to her, swooping her into a fierce embrace. He can feel the brief flicker of fear followed by immense relief as she melts into his arms. He has never touched her like this before, but he relishes the feel of her body pressed against his. He breathes in the scent of her and says against her hair, “Rey, I missed you, too.”

 

He pulls back to look at her, and sees she is crying. “I’m sorry I shut you out. I can’t go on like this… I need you.” She rests her head against his chest.

 

“Shh,” he whispers, stroking her hair. “I’m not going anywhere.”

 

She lifts her head to gaze up at him, and he is transfixed. He wipes away the tears from her face and kisses her forehead, then her cheek, and feeling her want through the bond, her lips. She winds her hands up into his hair, moaning slightly as she opens her mouth to receive his tongue. She tastes like salty military rations, but it’s like heaven, and he savors every minute until they have to break apart for air.

 

He cradles her face in his hands and says, “Don’t ever keep me out again.”

 

“Never,” she replies as she runs her finger down his scar. “Never again.”


	6. you matter to me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You Matter To Me from Waitress the musical for anonymous
> 
> Rating: T  
> Canonverse, post-TLJ

_I could find the whole meaning of life in those sad eyes_   
_They've seen things you never quite say, but I hear_   
_Come out of hiding, I'm right here beside you_ _  
And I'll stay there as long as you'll let me_

 _Because you matter to me_   
_Simple and plain and not much to ask from somebody_   
_You matter to me_   
_I promise you do, you, you matter too_   
_I promise you do, you'll see_ _  
You matter to me_

The little boy cowered in the corner as the sound of shouting filled the air. His parents had locked the door, but he could still hear them. He still heard most of the things they said. He winced when the word “monster” left his father’s mouth. He didn’t have to hear the context to know they were talking about him. In the recesses of his mind, a voice called to him gently. _They’ll never understand you… but I do_.

Rey awoke in a cold sweat. She had been having these dreams lately, but they were more like memories. Only, they weren’t her memories. Fear and dread crept through her chest, wondering if Ben was having the same dream. Carefully, she reached out through the Force, following the golden thread that tied them together. When she opened her eyes, he was beside her in bed, still asleep but shaking and murmuring nonsense. He was having the same nightmare, only he hadn’t woken up.

She cautiously curled herself around him, which wasn’t easy considering his size. He started to stroke his hair and whispered in his ear, “Shh… Ben, it’s okay. It’s just a dream. You’re safe. You’re with me.” She felt him stiffen as he woke and realized where he was.

“How did you know?” he said softly.

“I’m dreaming your dreams,” she mumbled into the back of his neck. Then, for some reason, she planted a gentle kiss there. She wasn’t sure why she felt so bold; maybe she just wanted to comfort him. He let out a little whimper so she continued, brushing her lips against his skin, working her way across his shoulder.

He abruptly turned over. They had been growing closer ever since she opened the bond back up, ever since his mother had passed, but they had never been this intimate. “What are you doing?”

Now that he was facing her, she could reach out and touch his hair, his face. She looked into those eyes that held so much sadness and pain; those ancient eyes that had seen planets destroyed; the eyes that she knew held nothing but love for her. “Don’t hide from me, Ben. You know how I feel about you.”

“I actually didn’t, or I wasn’t sure… before. I know how I feel about you,” he said as he caressed her face, the pad of his thumb tracing along her bottom lip.

She kissed his finger. “Oh yeah? And how’s that?”

“Maybe let me show you,” he said as he claimed her mouth with his own.

The nightmares were forgotten as they explored each other’s bodies. They said it with kisses, roaming hands, and intertwined limbs. It was in the way they slowly undressed each other, both amazed at the uncharted territory beneath. And as they both fell over the edge of bliss, they couldn’t hold it back from coming across the bond. _I love you, I love you, I love you_.


	7. familiar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Familiar by Agnes Obel for uleanblue
> 
> Rating: T  
> Canonverse, Post-TLJ

_We took a walk to the summit at night, you and I_   
_To burn a hole in the old grip of the familiar, you and I_   
_And the dark was opening wide, do or die_   
_Under a mask of vermillion ruling eyes_   
  
_And our love is a ghost that the others can't see_   
_It's a danger_   
_Every shade of us you fade down to keep_   
_Them in the dark on who we are_   
_(Oh what you do to me)_   
_Gonna be the death of me_   
_It's danger_ _  
Cause our love is a ghost that the others can't see_

 

Night descended on the barren planet, the light of several moons reflecting off the mist that settled around the mountain’s jagged peaks. Blasts of laserfire could be seen occasionally streaking the sky as a battle waged on in the upper atmosphere, but down here on the surface it seemed almost quiet.

 

Kylo’s outer robe billowed about him as he walked towards the mountain. Rey was here, he could feel her. He let her presence guide him until he could see a cloaked figure shrouded by the mist. He lowered his hood to look at her. “You came.”

 

“Of course I came.” She lowered her hood as well and stepped out of the shadows to fling herself into his open embrace.

 

“Do they know you’re here?” He asked into her hair.

 

“I could ask you the same thing.” She said against his chest.

 

He tilted her chin up so he could properly look her in the eyes. This was the first time they had met in person since she had come to him on the _Supremacy_. Since he’d made his last offer. In the months that followed, they only had fleeting glimpses of each other through the bond. Now that he had her in his arms again, he never wanted to let go. “I thought I wanted power. I thought I had a course that I needed to stay. None of that matters now.”

 

“Ben-”

 

“Rey, run away with me.”

 

She had imagined all the things he might say when she agreed to meet him here. This was not one of the things. “What about the war?”

 

“Let them figure it out without us.” He brought his lips down to meet hers and it tasted like victory.

 

She wrapped her arms around him beneath his cloak, the wind whipping around them both. When she slipped her tongue into his mouth, he instinctively pulled her closer, and it was like they were on the precipice of something dangerous. But her decision was made long before she had tasted him. They broke apart, and she answered, “Okay.”


	8. one caress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One Caress by Depeche Mode for reylo-convert
> 
> Rating: E  
> Canonverse, Post-TLJ

_ I'm shying from the light _

_ I always loved the night _

_ And now you offer me eternal darkness _

 

_ I have to believe that sin _

_ Can make a better man _

_ It's the mood that I am in _

_ That's left us back where we began _

 

_ Oh girl _

_ Lead me into your darkness _

_ When this world is trying its hardest _

_ To leave me unimpressed _

_ Just one caress _

_ From you and I'm blessed _

 

This is his absolution, and she is his salvation. In spite of all the things that he’s done, he can’t believe that she continues to let him into her bed again, night after night. He is grateful. He is penitent. Ben Solo is a dying man, and Rey is his breath of life. 

 

For all the religious platitudes of the Jedi and the Sith, nothing has ever felt as true as this, when he can worship her here, in the sanctity of their bedroom, the one she chooses to share with him for some reason. It is more than love, though he has said it many times by now. What he feels is deeper than that. He must show her every way he can. He lays her down gently on the bed, her head falling gracefully to the pillow with his arm behind her neck. He could kiss her for hours, just the feeling of her lips against his, the rough edge of their tongues meeting, the way he can taste traces of the last thing she ate. She has a sweet tooth, and he doesn’t mind at all.

 

But there are other ways in which to show his reverence. He kisses a trail down her jaw, her neck, stopping to suck at the soft skin in the dip of her collarbone. He loves the salty tang of her sweat; it reminds him that she is fierce and strong, not shying away from rough work. He loves the well-defined muscles in her arms, her abdomen, her legs. He would love to just stare at her naked form until he’s memorized every inch, but any time their clothes are off, she wants other things. Of course, he wants them, too. The sound she makes when he takes one of her pert breasts into his mouth is like music to his ears. He continues his efforts, swirling his tongue around her nipple, feeling it harden with the pressure. He brings his hand to her other peak, not wanting any part of her to feel unloved.

 

When it has become too much to bear, she breathes, “Ben, please… I need you.”

 

He knows what she is needing, and he is always eager to please her. He moves his mouth slowly down her body, peppering kisses as he goes, dipping his tongue into her belly button. She spreads her legs in anticipation, and he presses a kiss to her inner thigh, teasing his goddess. She winds her fingers through his raven locks as he ruffles the hair of her mound with his breath. He takes a long languid lick up her slit, and she shudders. Smiling, he parts her folds and finds she is dripping with desire. He takes the time to lap this up as well, eliciting obscene moans from her. By the time he latches onto her clit and sucks, she is already close. He pushes a finger inside her opening and begins to thrust. 

 

Her fingers tighten in his hair to the point of pain, but he doesn’t mind. It’s a sacrifice he’s more than willing to make for what happens next. She explodes around him, screaming his name as she comes. It would be enough that she is sated, but it isn’t enough for him. Sometimes he likes to think of her orgasms as his penance. The more he could give her, the more absolved he’d be. Sometimes he loses count. “Tell me what you need, my love”

 

“I want you inside me. All of you,” she says, eyes dark with desire. She pulls him back up for a searing kiss as he sheaths himself inside her. He pushes himself up with one arm so he can stare at her as he begins to move. 

 

He pumps in and out of her slowly, eyes glazing over as he relishes the sensation of her soft folds against his cock. She is like velvet, and he could do this all night. She is falling apart beneath him and he moves his other arm back down to help her along, rubbing tight circles on her clit. He feels the tremors start and says, “Look at me.”

 

She forces her eyes open, and her jaw falls down as she comes again. He has never seen anything so beautiful. He fucks her through a third orgasm before collapsing into a heap beside her. He draws her close, and she whispers, “I love you, Ben.” 

 

“I love you, too.” He is hers, and he is saved.


	9. a day in the life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Day In the Life by The Beatles for etienne-rune
> 
> Rating: M  
> Modern AU

_ I read the news today, oh boy _

_ About a lucky man who made the grade _ __   
_ And though the news was rather sad _ __   
_ Well I just had to laugh _ _   
_ __ I saw the photograph

 

_ I saw a film today, oh, boy _ __   
_ The English Army had just won the war _ __   
_ A crowd of people turned away _ __   
_ But I just had to look _ _   
_ __ Having read the book

_   
_ _ I'd love to turn you on _

 

  
She couldn’t do this anymore. Their relationship was toxic. All they did was fight. Sure, the makeup sex was amazing, but then things would only be good for so long before another fight. It was like Ben could turn into a different person without warning. A man so different from the one she fell in love with. It wasn’t until she had moved into his place that the switch had flipped. He had gone from sweet and caring, to possessive and cruel. He could say the meanest things; but then he’d always apologize and her sweet Ben would return.

 

Last night was the breaking point, Rey was sure. They had a knock-down, drag-out fight that ended with him smashing a vase against the wall. And somehow after that, he had fucked her on the kitchen counter. She ruined a perfectly good banana trying to find something to grab onto while she screamed his name. It had to be the last time they fought like this. She kept telling herself this as she packed a bag, dashing around the top floor of the flat they shared. She could stay with Rose until she found a better option.

 

She crept down the stairs quietly, wondering if Ben was out for his morning run. No such luck. He was sitting at the table, drinking his coffee, and reading the morning paper. Beside him was a plate of food for her and a steaming cup of tea, milk and sugar at its side. Her heart bloomed, touched at the gesture. She threw her bag into the nearest room and took the seat beside him. 

 

He didn’t look up from the paper as she sat down, but he smiled and took her hand, like nothing had ever happened. She fixed her tea and chewed her food in silence for a bit, letting the mundane actions calm her nerves. “Any good news?”

 

He set the paper down and looked at her, sadness in his big, brown eyes. “No, it’s all terrible, as usual.”

 

She gulped and nodded, thinking again about her bag in the other room. “Pity.”

 

He took her hand again, rubbing a thumb over her knuckles. “Rey, I know I’ve been a bit…  _ volatile _ lately. I’ve made an appointment with a therapist. My first session is today.”

 

She was shocked. All she could manage to say was, “Oh?”

 

He nodded. “Will you still be here when I get home?”

 

Unbidden, the tears began to fall down her cheeks, landing onto her toast. “Yeah, I’m not going anywhere.”


	10. the chain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Chain by Fleetwood Mac for spaceopera1
> 
> Rating: T  
> Canonverse, Post-TLJ

_ Listen to the wind blow, down comes the night _

_ Running in the shadows, damn your love, damn your lies _ __   
_ Break the silence, damn the dark, damn the light _ __   
__   
_ And if you don't love me now _ __   
_ You will never love me again _ __   
_ I can still hear you saying you would never break the chain _ __   
_ (Never break the chain) _ __   
_ And if you don't love me now _ __   
_ You will never love me again _ __   
_ I can still hear you saying you would never break the chain _ __   
_ (Never break the chain) _ __   
_ And if you don't love me now _ __   
_ You will never love me again _ __   
_ I can still hear you saying you would never break the chain _ _   
_ __ (Never break the chain)

 

Rey wakes up, gasping for air. In her dream she had been drowning, like when she fell into the waters of Ahch-To. These waters were deeper, endless and pitch black. She swam with all her might, but she couldn’t find the surface. A tear descends down her cheek and she turns, stunned, to see Ben lying beside her in bed, his chocolate eyes watching her cautiously.

 

“Nightmare?” he asks.

 

“You shouldn’t be here,” she replies, rolling over to turn her back to him. 

 

She had been shutting him out ever since Crait, but occasionally her shields would slip. It only happens when she loses focus. Once, he showed up in the middle of a sparring session with Finn. He watched her forms with pride and gave her some pointers that led to her winning the round. Once she had just stepped out of the ‘fresher, still dripping with nothing more than a towel covering her naked body. He turned beet red and faced the other direction until the connection closed. She would lying to herself if she said she didn’t enjoy his obvious attraction to her.

 

“But I am here… do you want to talk about it?”

 

“Not with you,” she lies and pretends to sleep until he’s gone.

 

*

 

He doesn’t know why the Force keeps pulling them together again, as if their bond is so strong as to be unbreakable. The weight of it keeps him from doing something stupid, anything she could blame him for. He purposely confuses the teams scouting for the Resistance and waits for their connection to flare open again.

 

The next time he sees her, he has just finished working out. He is a sweaty, heaving, shirtless mess, and she is… bleeding. He rushes over to her, horror written on his face at the blood pouring out of her arm. 

 

“It’s nothing,” she says. “Just cut myself on some scrap metal.” She was in the middle of repairing damage to an X-wing when she got nicked.

 

“It doesn’t look like nothing.” He rushes to find some bacta and bandages, helping her wrap her arm up. 

 

His fingers delicately work the gauze around her arm, the light touches sending shivers down her spine. “Please go,” she says, almost on the verge of tears.

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I don’t trust you, and I don’t trust myself around you.” She can smell the mixture of sweat and musk on his skin, and it is oddly appealing. She is just vulnerable enough in her wounded state to think that there is something more between them.

 

“Please don’t shut me out again. I can’t bear it, Rey. I can’t stand to not be around you.”

 

She whips her head up to look him in the eye. “Then come be with me, for real.”

 

“You know I can’t.”

 

“Ben, if you love me, then be with me. Otherwise I have to protect myself from you. It hurts too much to see you and not have you.”

 

He blanches. Of course he loves her. He didn’t think she felt the same.

 

“Don’t be afraid. I feel it, too,” she says, repeating his words back to him.

 

Suddenly it doesn’t matter what they’ll do to him. He’s made his choice. “Stay where you are. I’m coming for you.” He kisses her on the forehead before he fades, knowing their next kiss will be on the lips, in person.


	11. resistance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Resistance by Muse for virgylovesdante
> 
> Rating: T  
> Canonverse, Post-TLJ

_Is our secret safe tonight?_   
_And are we out of sight?_   
_Or will our world come tumbling down?_   
_Will they find our hiding place?_   
_Is this our last embrace?_   
_Or will the walls start caving in?_   
  
_It could be wrong, could be wrong, but it should have been right_   
_It could be wrong, could be wrong, to let our hearts ignite_   
_It could be wrong, could be wrong, are we digging a hole?_   
_It could be wrong, could be wrong, this is out of control_   


_Love is our resistance_   
_They'll keep us apart and they won't stop breaking us down_   
_Hold me_ _  
Our lips must always be sealed_

 

He was in hiding, holed up on a planet somewhere half across the galaxy. She knew he was safe. Chased out of the First Order by his own men, barely escaping with his life. All Rey wanted to do was leave and find him, to bring him back, to keep him safe. But Ben had been branded a traitor by both sides now, and he was wanted dead or alive.

 

She shouldn’t be thinking about that now. Not now while Ben’s lips are on her throat and her hands are in his hair and he’s grinding against her in this tiny supply closet in the most _delicious_ way. Not now as a low moan escapes her lips, and he brings his back up to silence her. Not now while the sirens in the base are going off and she can hear the trampling of booted feet rush past.

 

He pulls back and looks at her intently, a mixture of longing and concern in his chocolate eyes. “You need to go.” He can see - and hear - her surroundings now, their bond being stronger than ever.

 

“I don’t want to,” she says, nuzzling into his neck. Why did he have to be so far away?

 

“You can’t risk someone finding you with me. They won’t trust you anymore.”

 

“I don’t care,” she lies.

 

“Of course you do. You’re still a part of this war, whether I’m in it or not.” He places a kiss on her forehead. “Give Hux hell for me.”

 

“I will,” she says, bringing her mouth to his for one last lingering kiss. “No matter what happens, I love you, Ben.”

 

“I love you, too,” he says as he fades from view.

 

She barely has time to miss him when someone yanks the door to the closet open. It’s Finn. “Rey? What are you doing in here? We need to go NOW.”

 

She nods and follows him out, resolve in her gut strengthening. She will defeat the enemy, and then she will go to the man she loves.


	12. deep inside of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Deep Inside of You by Third Eye Blind for justbreejo
> 
> Rating: M  
> Modern AU

_Friends say I've changed, I don't listen 'cause I live to be_   
_Deep inside of you_   
_Slide of her dress, shouts in darkness, I'm so alive_   
_I'm deep inside of you_   
_You said boy make girl feel good_   
_But still, deep inside, still_   
  
_I've never felt alone_   
_'Til I met you_   
_I'm all right on my own_   
_And then I met you_   
_And I'd know what to do if I just knew what's coming_   
  
_I would change myself if I could_   
_I'd walk with my people if I could find them_   
_And I'd say that I'm sorry to you_ _  
I'm sorry to you_

 

He doesn’t really give a fuck what anyone says, not anymore. Both Hux and Phasma have called, leaving threatening messages on his voicemail, but he doesn’t care. He’s left that life behind. With Rey, he’s not Kylo Ren the rockstar. He can just be Ben Solo, a regular guy in love.

 

That’s what he tells himself as they make their way to his bedroom, his hand creeping up her dress. He thinks it as their hands are intertwined in his sheets, while he thrusts in and out of her, heeding her cries of deeper, faster, _more_. She falls apart beneath him, and he has never felt so lucky in all his life. She is covered in a sheen of sweat as he wipes the hair back from her face and kisses her again. She is beautiful. “I love you, Rey.”

 

“I know,” she giggles and kisses his neck.

 

They fall asleep intertwined, and it is bliss.

 

This is how he knows that there’s a storm coming. Because she is too perfect, and too good for him. He knows he’s going to fuck it up just like everything else in his life. So when she slams the door after their last fight, he knows it is for good. He watches her leave and feels empty.

 

For the first time in months, he picks up his guitar. The song is his apology, but he has no way of guaranteeing she’ll hear it. Not unless he has some help. Reluctantly, he gets the band back together for a grand finale.

 

They come through, and the song is recorded and picked up for radio play. Soon it is in regular rotation, and he feels good about something he’s made for a change. Now all he can do is wait.

 

It is a sweltering afternoon when he hears a knock on the door. Rey is there, looking perfect in a beige tank top and cutoffs, the necklace he made her hanging from her neck. “Did you really mean it?”

 

“Every word.”

 

She rushes into his arms and he envelops her. He presses his mouth to hers and everything feels right again. He is not alone anymore.


	13. my thoughts on you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My Thoughts on You by The Band CAMINO for powerfullightpowerfuldarkness
> 
> Rating: T  
> Canonverse, Post-TLJ

_And I know this_   
_I can’t read it right, between the fights_   
_I still need you_   
_And I know this_   
_I fell for your eyes, I just realized_   
_I still need you_ _  
I still need you_

_I tried to say thank you, but I don't know if you heard me_  
_I know it wasn't your plan, to just be the one to hurt me_  
_My thoughts versus my feelings, my thoughts on you hit the ceiling_  
_But my feelings aren't a real thing_ _  
If I feel things I don't really deserve_

 

The bond should be dead, along with Snoke, but it isn’t. She has shut him out, and she can’t see him physically but mentally he is still there, everywhere, right on the edge of her periphery. She sees him in dreams. She starts doubting her decision to leave, to keep him locked out. All she wants is to let him back in. Her thoughts betray her more each day as she withdraws from the people she left him to save.

 

He cries himself to sleep. He always cries himself to sleep, when he can sleep, but somehow it’s worse now. He feels her absence like a festering wound, and the longer he tries to ignore it, the worse it gets. It gnaws at him incessantly, coloring his every waking thought. She is there, somewhere, but she won’t let him in. He is coming unhinged, and he notices the whispers about the ship, the smug glances from Hux. It won’t be long now till he’s put out of his misery.

 

Something jogs her awake in the middle of the night. She is sure it’s the Force, and she needs to listen to its will. She sits upright and meditates.

 

He wakes up. He had actually gotten a little sleep tonight, and with it came dreams. He dreams of her, but rather than the ones where she is taken away from him, or the ones where she dies by his hand, this one is good. This one is happy. He takes her in his arms, and she smiles at him, _for_ him. She kisses him and it’s the most loved he’s ever felt. He cries again because it was only a dream. And he knows he doesn’t deserve that from her, that this dream will never come true.

 

The answer comes all at once and of course it was simple, of course this is what she needs. She has just been denying it. If the Force wills it, who is she to argue? She lets down her mental shields all at once, breathes deeply, reaches out. _Ben?_

 

He jolts upright as he feels the tether back in place, a balm soothing the terrible ache in his soul. _Rey?_

 

_I still need you._


	14. i will possess your heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I Will Possess Your Heart by Deathcab for Cutie for sourdoughserenity
> 
> Rating: M  
> AU where Kylo wakes up in the throne room before Rey

_How I wish you could see the potential_  
_The potential of you and me_  
_It's like a book elegantly bound_ _  
_ _But in a language that you can't read just yet_

_You gotta spend some time, love_  
_You gotta spend some time with me_  
_And I know that you'll find love_  
_I will possess your heart_

_You reject my advances and desperate pleas_  
I won't let you let me down so easily  
_So easily_

 

Everything is burning. He can smell it all around, the acrid fumes of melted armor and seared flesh invades his nostrils. She had tried to pull the saber on him, and then… it all went black. He looks over to see her on the floor, still unconscious.

 

Something has happened to the ship, and they need to get out of here before someone discovers what they’ve done - what he’s done. If she doesn’t want to rule by his side, fine. But he’s not about to let her go. Slowly he rises, then in one fluid motion, he picks Rey up off the floor and flings her over his shoulder. He frowns at his grandfather’s saber, broken in two, and quickly pockets the pieces. They escape in the shuttle.

 

*

 

When Rey awakes, her wrists are bound again and she’s not sure where she is. Then she sees him, sitting above her. Ben, or is it Kylo? She can’t be sure anymore. “Where am I?”

 

“You’re safe, with me. Though I’m not sure if the inverse is also true.”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“You drew your weapon on me!” His voice is sharp and cuts her to the quick.

 

“I was just trying to leave without you hurting me!” She shouts back.

 

“You actually thought I would hurt you for saying no?”

 

She looks uncertain. In her heart she can feel it - no, he would never hurt her. “Where are you taking me?”

 

“Someplace safe.”

 

“What happened to my friends?”

 

He lets out an exaggerated sigh. “I’m sure they’re fine. Someone in your band of rebels flew the cruiser at hyperspeed straight through the _Supremacy_. The First Order will be dealing with that for a bit.”

 

“And you just - what? Thought it was fine to leave? You’re not needed there?”

 

“I don’t give a womprat’s ass about the First Order. What I wanted was for you and I to bring peace to the galaxy, together.”

 

“Then why am I still in restraints?”

 

“You gonna try to kill me again?”

 

“I didn’t… no.”

 

He waves his hand and the binders fall off. She rubs her wrists. “See, Rey? Maybe I’m not as bad as you thought.”

 

*

 

She is loathe to admit it, but he’s right. And here on this lush, verdant planet, it’s almost like there isn’t an intergalactic war raging on. Maybe it’s better off without the two strongest Force users in it, anyway. She thought when they first arrived, that he had taken her prisoner again; but the binders have stayed on the shuttle. He doesn’t need them anyway.

 

He pins both of her wrists down with one hand, kissing her punishingly and rolling her nipple with his other hand. She is moaning beneath him, but he doesn’t let up, lowering his head down to take her hardened peak into his mouth. He laves at her breast until she is begging, “Ben, please.”

 

He allows his hand to travel further south, thumb teasing at her sensitive bud, one finger teasing her opening. “So wet for me.”

 

“Only you.”

 

_Damn right_ , he projects through the bond. Using his deft fingers, he brings her to a first climax. She is practically panting as he eases his hard length inside of her and starts to move. Each slick smack of his hips against hers brings a swell of pride of to his chest. _Mine, mine, mine_.

  
She screams his name as she falls apart around him, echoing his thoughts through their bond. _Yours, yours, yours_.


	15. satellite

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Satellite by Starset for baby-babushka
> 
> Rating: T  
> Canonverse, Post-TLJ

_Far across the emptiness I walk the night_   
_And search the silence in the dark you left behind_   
_I seek the stars above worlds to be the guides_   
_But they all pale against the light in your eyes_   
_In your eyes..._   
_And I won't suppose to know why you walked away_   
_But I can feel you pushing through beyond the space_   
_So send your energy to me and I'll push through_   
_Send your signal home and bring me back to you_   
  
_Satellite, shine on me tonight_   
_I will be your gravity, I will stay and never leave_   
_My satellite, are you here tonight?_   
_Shine your light and set me free_   
_Take the darkness out of me_   
_Shine on me_ _  
Shine on me_

 

Kylo walks through the messy battlefield, checking the bodies, just like he does after ever skirmish in this never-ending war. He doesn’t know why he feels compelled to do it, but he is always checking for the pilot or the traitor, just so he wouldn’t have to tell Rey that he’d ended the life of someone else she loved.

 

 _They were so young_ , he thinks to himself as he toes at a corpse with his boot. He is tired. Tired of this war, tired of fighting, tired of trying to be the Supreme Leader he always thought he should be. Everywhere he goes, he feels her absence. He looks up into the night sky as if in prayer, but who would listen to someone like him?

 

Then the atmosphere around him changes and he knows… she is here. She is beautiful and terrible when she is angry. It’s a delicious pain when that anger is directed at him. Because at least, she feels _something_ for him. There’s anger, but he through the bond he can also feel a deep hurt, and was that longing?

 

“Ben, you don’t have to do this.”

 

“I think we both know that I am following the path laid before me to its inevitable end.”

 

Tears well up in her hazel eyes. “It still isn’t too late, you know.”

 

“You still think you can save me?”

 

“Not me. The Force.”

 

He scoffs.

 

She moves closer, and he inhales sharply. “I’ve seen it. The future I saw, it’s still possible.”

 

“Just because you had a vision, does not mean it will come true.”

 

He looks like he wants to say more, but she is tired of his endless ruminations. She grabs the collar of his tunic and pulls him down, smashing her lips into his. It is the first time they’ve kissed, and Kylo suddenly feels like the universe might implode. He swears he can feel every blood cell coursing through his veins. This is what they were meant for. He kisses her back with a fervor and slowly, all the hatred drains out of him. All that’s left is Rey. When she releases him, she sighs and looks into his eyes. “That’s where you’re wrong, Ben.”

 

Yes, he is Ben. Her Ben. And he will upend the galaxy to make this right for her.


	16. beautiful disaster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beautiful Disaster by MIKA for Anon
> 
> Rating: T  
> Canonverse, Post-TLJ

_All these people talking to themselves_   
_Think they're talking to someone, but they're talking to themselves_   
_Look at our love, you know that it's true_ _  
It can build us up, tear us down, but I'll be next to you_

 _It's a beautiful disaster_   
_It's a beautiful disaster_   
_I get this feeling I can't miss_   
_You're getting harder to resist_   
_And maybe by the time I know_   
_It'll be too late to let you go_   
_Who knew my heart could beat so quick?_   
_My life I'd give away for this_   
_Don't care what anybody sees_   
_I know I'm doing this for me_   
  
_I can be your butterfly_   
_Love you so hard that I could die_   
_One man could make it worth it all_   
_What a beautiful way to fall_   
  
_It's a beautiful disaster_ _  
Beautiful disaster_

  


Sparks rain down around them as they make their way through the bowels of the ship. It won’t be long now, before it all falls apart. Rey had come aboard to save him, because of course she did. He doesn’t deserve her, he knows. Yet, here she is, still risking everything to save him even when the odds are stacked against them.

 

The ship has already been badly damaged by the Resistance, but he thinks if he can just input the self-destruct sequence, then the First Order will be effectively crippled. Hux is as good as dead, despite the coup he pulled.

 

“Get on board,” he orders Rey, shooing her into the escape shuttle.

 

“Ben, not without you.”

 

“I just need to do something really quickly. I’ll be right behind you.”

 

She lets him go, because there’s no stopping him. But she knows him better than anyone, can feel what he feels, and she’s not going to let him sacrifice himself. She waits till he rounds the corner, then follows him.

 

He has finished putting the code in and smiles slightly to himself. He has done so many bad things, but finally he has done something right. He turns to leave and is caught by a piece of falling debris. The sharp piece of metal goes right through his leg. It takes all his concentration to remove it carefully with the Force, but he is bleeding badly, and he can’t put any weight on it.

 

Rey runs down the corridor just in time to see Ben injured. He is struggling, and her heart breaks in two. “Ben! You’re hurt!”

 

“Rey? I told you to get out of here! You need to leave now.”

 

“How could I leave the man I love behind to die?”

 

He is speechless. She has not acknowledged this up until this point. “I- I love you, too.”

 

She is leaning over him now, and he cradles her cheek like she is the most precious thing in the world. “I know,” she tells him and leans in for a kiss.

 

“Now leave me. Save yourself.”

 

“Not a chance.”

 

He watches stunned as she channels the Force to heal his leg. She helps him stand, then they run together to the shuttle, as the ship implodes around them.


	17. warning sign

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning Sign by Coldplay for stuckyanddandelions
> 
> Rating: T  
> Canonverse, Post-TLJ

_A warning sign_   
_It came back to haunt me, and I realized_   
_That you were an island and I passed you by_   
_When you were an island to discover_   
_Come on in_   
_I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in_   
_I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones_ _  
That I started looking for a warning sign_

  
_When the truth is_   
_I miss you_   
_Yeah the truth is_   
_That I miss you so_   
_And I'm tired_ _  
I should not have let you go_

  
_So I crawl back into your open arms_   
_Yes I crawl back into your open arms_   
_And I crawl back into your open arms_ _  
Yes I crawl back into your open arms_

 

She feels it deep in her bones, a breaking point is nearing. She collapsed in the middle of training the other day. People around the base are starting to talk. She is not just a member of this rebellion - she is Rey the Jedi, something to be feared.

 

This planet is cold and she rubs the part of her arms not covered by her wraps. For the thousandth time, she contemplates where she’d be if she had taken Ben up on his offer. The truth is, it would have been easy to give in to temptation. The darkness inside of her revels at the thought. She would be his empress, strong and respected. She would rule at his side and sleep in his bed. But more importantly, she wouldn’t feel so alone right now.

 

She runs through her forms with her newly crafted lightsaber, something that was painstakingly slow in the the making. She is quite proud of it, the new crystal humming as she whips around the golden blade. The old, cracked crystal that once belonged to Anakin Skywalker sits in a drawer in her room. She didn’t have the heart to get rid of it. She gets so deep into her exercise, that she lets all her shields down. Nothing matters here. She is one with the Force.

 

So the vacuum of sound that accompanies the appearance of her besotted dark prince is alarming to say the least. She has kept him at bay for a myriad of reasons: to punish him, to let him think about the error of his ways, but mostly because she doesn’t trust herself around him.

 

“Rey,” he says, no malice in his voice.

 

She turns around to face him, saber still activated. “Ben,” she says cautiously.

 

“You have a new lightsaber. The gold suits you.” He is being guarded.

 

She has had too much time to think, and she is not angry anymore. She just wants to understand. “Why did you try to kill us? Me, your mother?”

 

He frowns. He doesn’t want to talk about this, but it is unavoidable. “I lost it back there, when I woke up and you had left me. It felt like you had abandoned me, like everyone always does.” The tears well up in his eyes. “The dark side teaches you to kill what you love so it won’t hold you back, but now I know, I could never kill you.”

 

Her sharp intake of breath is masked by the sound of her deactivating her saber. He just confessed his love, even if not in so many words. She closed the gap between them and reaches up to wipe away his tears. “I miss you,” she whispers as she buries her head in his chest.

 

He wraps his arms around her and swears the next time he can hold her for real, he will never let go.


	18. technicolour beat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Technicolour Beat by Oh Wonder for heavenlyreylo
> 
> Rating: M  
> Canonverse, Post-TLJ

_Warm, unalone_   
_Come settle down, settle down_   
_Swing me your bones_ _  
Come settle down, settle down_

  
_And I feel life for the very first time_   
_Love in my arms, and the sun in my eyes_   
_I feel safe in the 5am light  
You carry my fears as the heavens set fire_

  
_Jump into the heat, spinning on our feet_   
_In a technicolour beat, you and me_ _  
Caught up in a dream, in a technicolour beat, beat_

  
_Give me one drop, I can feel you_   
_Make me lose control_   
_We'll be walking, on the water_   
_When we're moving in a technicolour beat_ _  
Moving in a technicolour beat_

 

It’s sandy but not like Jakku, Rey thinks as she is squished down further into the warm, wet grains. The waves crash against the shore, and the sun is just rising, painting the sky with a golden hue. It is beautiful.

 

The wind carries some of the hair off her forehead and Ben brushes it back with his hand as he crushes his lips against hers again. She moans as he moves inside of her, and it’s hard to believe how they found themselves here, making love on a beach.

 

*

 

It was the one-year anniversary of the end of the galactic war. No longer on opposite sides, Rey and Ben did something completely out of character and decided to attend a celebration. There was music and dancing and brightly colored lights and alcohol… so much alcohol. But they knew no one here on this planet, and no one paid them any mind. So they imbibed.

 

He couldn’t take his eyes off of her, and still had to pinch himself from time to time. That he wasn’t rotting away in a cell, or by himself on a deserted planet, was more than he could ever be thankful for. He was watching Rey spin in circles, her outfit showing off the thinnest strip of tanned skin around her abdomen. He needed to touch her.

 

They danced long into the night, long enough to wear off their buzz. Long enough that when they left the party, they decided to walk down to the beach, hand in hand. Maybe they could see the sunrise together before leaving for their next destination.

 

*

 

Sitting led to kissing, which led to clothes being torn off, which is how they ended up in the situation they were now in. Sunrise forgotten, Rey watched as Ben rose above her once more, a lock of dark hair falling into his face. A beam of light falls across his scar, and she thinks he is the most beautiful man in the galaxy. His tempo increases. She forgets how to breathe. They crash over the edge of bliss together, and he peppers light kisses onto her nose, her chin, and the freckles on her shoulder.

 

The sun is higher now and the sky is awash in shades of violet, amber and bright blue; but this beauty pales in comparison to the love they both feel for each other.


	19. the ultracheese

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Ultracheese by the Arctic Monkeys for restless-af
> 
> Rating: T  
> Canonverse, Post-TLJ

_I've still got pictures of friends on the wall_   
_I might look as if I'm deep in thought_   
_But the truth is I'm probably not_ _  
If I ever was_

  
_Oh, the dawn won't stop weighing a tonne_   
_I've done some things that I shouldn't have done_ _  
But I haven't stopped loving you once_

 

Given the chance, Ben Solo will ruin every good thing that comes into his life. That is something he has always been sure of. Sometimes, it is his very presence that causes the ruin, he need not even take action. He has lived a lifetime of blaming himself for all the tragedy and misfortune in his life, acting out because of said tragedy, then blaming himself and falling into self-loathing again.

 

He doesn’t sleep much. When he does, he is almost always haunted by nightmares. These haven’t stopped since he killed Snoke. Now he has one more murder to haunt him. Snoke may have been a monster, but he was his guardian and mentor for so long, and he killed him to save Rey. He was relieved, to be certain, that the sinister voice inside his head was gone. But he had hoped to replace it with her voice, her lilting tones so pleasant in his mind. Now he reaches out for her and feels nothing.

 

She has shut him out, and he doesn’t blame her. After his attack on Crait, she has every reason not to trust him. But he had told her he would be there for her, that she wasn’t alone. What happened to “neither are you?”

 

He is ruminating on all these things, driving himself deeper into despair, when he feels a tug on the cord that binds them. It is a warmth in his chest and he can feel her just as clearly as before. In a moment, the air seems to change and he can see her in front of him, as if she were really there. “Ben?” She says tentatively, as if she is afraid he might still lash out.

 

He frowns. He wouldn’t do that, not now. “Rey…” _You’re beautiful. I’m sorry. I love you_. He says none of these things.

 

“Are you… alone?” She looks around, as if to check that no one else is there.

 

“I almost always am,” he says truthfully.

 

Now it’s her turn to be sad. “I know it may not seem like it now, but I meant what I said. I am still here for you, but only if you’re not trying to murder me and my friends.”

 

His answering grunt sounds almost like a laugh. “Sorry about that.”

 

“Do you mean it?” She asks, shuffling closer to him. “Me too,” she adds and slips both her hands into his.

 

He squeezes them reassuringly and is filled with a feeling that is so foreign, it’s almost wrong… hope.


	20. everybody talks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everybody Talks by Neon Trees for Anonymous
> 
> Rating: M  
> Canonverse, Post-TLJ

_Hey honey you could be my drug_   
_You could be my new prescription_   
_Too much could be an overdose_   
_All this trash talk make me itchin'_   
_Oh my my_   
_Everybody talks, everybody talks_ _  
Everybody talks, too much_

  
_It started with a whisper_   
_And that was when I kissed her_   
_And then she made my lips hurt_   
_I could hear the chit chat_   
_Take me to your love shack_   
_Mamas always gotta back track_  
 _When everybody talks back_

  
_Never thought I'd live_   
_To see the day_ _  
When everybody's words got in the way_

 

The prisoner gets one walk, every other day. That was the General’s order. Of course the Resistance had to treat their prisoners better than the First Order would. The General was usually off base anyway, heavily involved in the rebuilding of the New Republic in the wake of the dismantling of the empiric regime.

 

So Rey was left to be the one to chaperone these walks. She certainly didn’t mind. She didn’t mind when they found the copse of trees that was so perfectly secluded. She didn’t mind when Ben would press her up against one of these trees and kiss her senseless. She didn’t mind when she shed her pants and wrapped her legs around him as he thrust into her. They only had twenty minutes, after all.

 

“I think I’m bleeding,” he said one day and she walked him back inside the base. He wiped at his lip, and sure enough a bead of blood came back on his large hand.

 

“Sorry, got carried away,” she replied.

 

“I’m not complaining.” He slipped his pink tongue out to smooth over the injury, plush lips making her want to just ravage them again.

 

Unfortunately, they had to pass several meeting rooms on the way back to the brig. The unmistakable voice of Commander Dameron issued out of one as they breezed through. “Well, well, if it isn’t the little lovebirds. You make sure the prisoner got his proper amount of exercise?” He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

 

Ben tightened his cuffed fists, but Rey answered before he could say anything. “I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about, Poe.”

“Ignore him,” she whispered to Ben as she finished escorting him back to his cell.

 

Later, Rey made her way through the corridors, hoping to pilfer something from the mess hall for a little midnight snack. She was distracted by a chorus of laughter from what served as a makeshift rec room. She could clearly hear the throaty laugh of Poe, the girlish giggle of Connix, and an uncomfortable Finn saying, “Okay guys, I think we’ve seen enough.”

 

She poked her head through the entrance and gasped at what she saw. BB-8 was positioned at the front of the room, displaying a holovid on the wall of her and Ben in an illicit embrace. “You owe me ten credits, man,” Poe was saying to Finn.

 

Rey was about to speak up, when someone brushed past her into the room and cleared her throat loudly. She watched as General Leia Organa strode to the front of the room, switched off BB-8’s projector and affixed everyone present with a vicious glare. “Just _what_ do you all think you’re doing?”

 

“Ah- General, we were just-”

 

“You were just nothing. This is a violation of privacy, and it will stop immediately. And Commander, stop sending your droid on pervy missions so you can get your rocks off to our resident Jedi and my kriffing _son_.”

 

Everyone looked just as embarrassed as Rey now felt. She kept to the shadows, not wanting to alert them to her presence and make it worse.

 

“Well, what are you waiting for? Get out of here!” Leia practically yelled at them.

 

Everyone scattered leaving Leia alone in the room, shaking her head. Rey entered and said, “General? Thanks for that.”

 

Leia wrapped her arm around the younger woman and replied, “I remember what it was like to be young and in love. Why do you think I let you be his chaperone? Just make sure you keep an eye out for stray droids next time.”

 

She winked at her, and Rey could only laugh.


	21. fade into you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fade Into You by Mazzy Star for mrsvioletwrites
> 
> Rating: M  
> Canonverse, Post-TLJ

_I want to hold the hand inside you_   
_I want to take a breath that's true_   
_I look to you and I see nothing_   
_I look to you to see the truth_   
_You live your life, you go in shadows_   
_You'll come apart and you'll go blind_   
_Some kind of night into your darkness_   
_Colors your eyes with what's not there_   
  
  
_Fade into you_   
_Strange you never knew_   
_Fade into you_ _  
I think it's strange you never knew_

 

They are as close as two people could be, but Rey still can’t shake the feeling that most days she doesn’t really _know_ Ben. She rolls over in the bed they now share, in their home on Chandrila, and stares at the hard plane of his back. She can see the outline of his muscles through his thin nightshirt, rigid even in sleep. He mumbles nonsense, and she resists the urge to reach out and read his dreams.

 

She frowns at him over breakfast. The bags under his eyes are getting worse, and though he is still beautiful - he will always be to her - she is worried for him. The war is over, and he was granted a full pardon, but he still lives like a man without freedom.

 

She goes through the motions like this for three more day cycles before she can’t take it anymore. They have just finished dinner. Usually Ben cooks, but Rey took over for the evening and actually managed to make something edible. She glides over to the panel on the wall and switches on some music, the way Ben showed her how when they first got here. She never had use for music on Jakku, but it was something Ben had enjoyed and once he showed her, she couldn’t get enough of it.

 

He looks at her warily from his seat at the table, but reluctantly rises when she drags him up and into the living room to dance. She wraps her arms around him and lays her head on his chest. They sway in time to the song. It isn’t quite sad, but neither is it happy. In the comfort of his arms, Rey feels like she could melt. But this isn’t about her. “Let me in,” she whispers into his shirt.

 

Something in her voice sends him over the edge, and he begins to cry. He grabs her tighter as he sobs and she can feel the tears land on her head as they leave his cheeks and chin. Their bond thrums with sadness, and she can feel what is plaguing him without him having to say a word. The death and destruction, never being able to escape the darkness, not being able to provide the kind of life he thinks she deserves, not being enough for her, or anyone, ever.

 

“Stop,” she says aloud and lifts her head to gaze up at him. She wipes at his tears and looks at him with utter devotion. Doesn’t he know by now how much she loves him? She sends it through the bond as she rises up to kiss him, fingers winding into his dark hair. Before long, she is inching his shirt up and pulling it over his head. He hoists her up as she wraps her legs around him, and he carries her into the bedroom.

 

They aren’t practiced at this, still learning each other’s bodies and rhythms, likes and dislikes. Tonight, though... Tonight they are one. It isn’t a matter of someone taking the lead, but they move in tandem - undressing, caressing, kissing, worshipping. Every moan from her lips is sacred to his ears and when she arches her back up into him just before coming apart, he thinks he can see through time and space. As they come down together, she thinks she can feel the sea change.

 

She looks into his eyes, and he smiles for the first time in a long time. “I know,” he says. “I know.”


	22. within you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Within You by David Bowie for Anonymous
> 
> Rating: T  
> Canonverse, Post-TLJ

_How you turned my world, You precious thing_   
_You starve and near-exhaust me_   
_Everything I've done, I've done for you_ _  
I move the stars for no one_

  
_You've run so long_   
_You've run so far_   
_Your eyes can be so cruel_   
_Just as I can be so cruel  
Though I do believe in you_

  
_Yes I do_   
_Live without the sunlight_   
_Love without your heartbeat_   
_I, I can't live within you_ _  
I can't live within you_

 

The white-hot spark of plasma against plasma illuminates their faces in a déjà vu of something that has come before. It is history repeating, and surely they are both running on muscle memory now as red clashes against blue. Only this time, it is a rocky terrain instead of snow-capped forest.

 

“Why won’t you yield?” He screams at her, his face turned a devilish crimson in the glow of his unstable saber.

 

“You first!” She growls back, her new cobalt blade gleaming a frozen fury.

 

“Are you really prepared to kill me?” His voice betrays his inner demons, the fear rising to the surface.

 

“If it means the galaxy will be safe…” she trails off, her voice lowering by degrees. No, not even then. She can’t kill him now, not after all they’ve been through.

 

“Have I not tried to make improvements?” He asks, swinging back and meeting her saber again in a lazy parry. “All of it has been for you, Rey. You could’ve been there to help, if you had only joined me.”

 

“Join you in your quest for galactic domination and what? Lose my soul in the process? No thank you,” she spits back. Her face is lit up in righteous anger, and he idly thinks how terribly beautiful it makes her.

 

She thrusts at him haphazardly, and he steps back just in time. “Fine! I can see it in your eyes. You want me dead, just like the rest of the rebels you call friends. And to think, I wanted you for my Empress. I was a fool.” His words are cold, but they lack gravitas. He is lying through his teeth.

 

She stops in her tracks. “Is that what you think? Ben, I wanted to _save_ you. I still do.”

 

He brings his blade overhead, and she blocks him easily. “Oh precious little _Jedi_ wants to ease her conscience and save me from the dark side. Maybe I don’t need saving.”

 

“I don’t want to save you because I’m a Jedi. I’m not! Not really…” Their blades are crossed again at chest level, and she is looking straight into his eyes.

 

“Then why?!” He screams.

 

“Because I love you!” She pushes him back with a kick to his chest, then punctuates with a series of swings he quickly blocks. “You big-” _Swing!_ Block. “Dumb-” _Swing!_ Block. “Oaf!” She knocks him on his back with the final swing, much like she did back at Starkiller.

 

He looks up at her dumbfounded and deactivates his blade. She follows suit, chest heaving as she stares at him with a mixture of anger and embarrassment. “What did you say?” He asks slowly, deliberately, afraid that he misheard.

 

“You heard me,” she mutters, crossing her arms.

 

He rises from the ground and inches towards her hesitantly. When she doesn’t back away, he cups her face in his hands and looks deep into her eyes. “You’re going to be the death of me,” he says as he covers her mouth with his.


	23. melt your heart/you are what you love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Melt Your Heart/You Are What You Love by Jenny Lewis and The Watson Twins for eliminatetheswearing
> 
> Rating: T  
> Canonverse, Post-TLJ

_Are we killing time?_ _  
_ _Are we killing each other?_

  
_When you're kissing someone who's too much like you_   
_It's like kissing on the mirror_   
_When you're sleeping with someone who doesn't get you_ _  
You're going to hate yourself in the morning_

  
_It's bound to melt your heart_   
_One way or another_   
_It's bound to melt your heart_   
_For good for bad_   
_It's like a valentine from your mother_ _  
It's bound to melt your heart_

_But you are what you love_   
_And not what loves you back_   
_That's why I'm here on your doorstep_   
_Pleading for you to take me back_

 

Rey was having that good dream again, the one where someone is lightly kissing her neck and holding her close. She feels warm and safe and _loved_ . She makes a contented sound as she stirs and rolls over and… it’s not a dream. Because Ben is in her bed, and he’s the one that’s been holding her and kissing her and - she shoves him so hard he falls onto the floor.

 

“Kriff! Why’d you do that?”

 

“Because you’re not supposed to be here, _Supreme Leader_ ,” she hisses back at him.

 

“You know I can’t help what happens when I’m sleeping, Rey. Apparently neither can you, because I was able to show up in the first place.”

 

She huffs and gathers her sheet closer to her. “But you were kissing me.”

 

“I didn’t think I was really here.” He gets up off the floor and motions to her bed, “May I sit?”

 

She nods and feels the bed shift as he sits on the edge.

 

“Besides, I didn’t hear you complaining.” He is smirking slightly, and she wants to slap him.

 

“I thought I was dreaming,” she admits.

 

He gets quieter. “And who were you dreaming about?”

 

“Oh switch off, you know it was you.”

 

He does know, but he wanted to hear her say it. He fades from view before she can say anything else.

 

*

 

“Rey, are you sure everything is okay? You look pale, and Poe told me you fainted and nearly fell off an X-wing you were trying to repair?”

 

“I’m fine, General.”

 

“Don’t bullshit a bullshitter, dear. Or are you forgetting I was married to Han Solo?” Leia has that maternal gleam in her eye, and Rey is tired of lying to her.

 

She is saved from having to construct a full confession by Ben’s sudden appearance. “Mom?”

 

“Ben!” Leia grabs her chest and looks aghast. “But how-?”

 

“I’m sorry, General. This was what I was trying to tell you. Your son and I are… bonded, through the Force. We can see each other across the galaxy.”

 

She watches in awe as Ben breaks down in his mother’s arms and they both cry.

 

*

 

Rey is off world, on a mission from the General, just she and Chewie. She has found what they’re needing and is heading back to the Falcon when she senses someone - _him_ \- on board. It’s just one force signature, so she strides up the ramp and into the cockpit, where she sees Ben sitting in the pilot’s seat. “Is this seat taken?”

 

“You think you’re so clever, don’t you?” she teases, but her hand goes to her saber at her belt. “What are you doing here?”

 

“I’m turning myself in.” He rises and hands her his lightsaber. “I can’t do this anymore. The First Order, the Resistance, the war… none of it means anything without you.”

 

Chewie roars behind her, and she watches Ben fall to his knees.

 

“Ben,” she breathes, kneeling down to put a hand on his shoulder.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He starts to cry.

 

Chewie understands and gently lifts him up into a fierce hug. They stand like that for awhile before the Wookie releases him, and he turns to Rey. “Will you take me back with you?”

 

“Okay,” she says. “But I’m the pilot.”


	24. shine a light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shine a Light by McFly for Anonymous
> 
> Rating: T  
> Canonverse, Post-TLJ

_Tell me can you hear my voice_   
_Loud and clear above the noise_   
_Even if I had the choice_  
 _I would not give up_

_  
_ _Where can I find her_

  
_She took the light and left me in the dark, eh_   
_She left me with a broken heart, eh_   
_Now I'm on my own_   
_If anybody sees her (eh, eh, eh)_   
_Shine a light on her (eh, eh, eh)_   
_Shine a light on her (eh, eh, eh)_  
 _Shine a light on her (eh, eh)_

_If anybody sees her_

 

It’s pointless. Every time he thinks he has a lead on their whereabouts, it turns out to be another dead end. He tries again to pull on the thread that connects them but her side is… silent, blank, nothing. He is going crazy.

 

Another sleepless night, Kylo tosses and turns in his bigger Supreme Leader-sized bed. He upgraded after taking over, but the size and general comfiness of the bed seem to do little to battle his lifelong insomnia. Even if the shadow from his nightmares was now gone, he still has bad dreams. Now they usually involved Rey. Rey leaving him (again), Rey killing him, Rey dying by his hand. Not all the dreams were bad, though. The ones that were good were usually worse. Rey ruling by his side, Rey kissing him, Rey in his bed. Those days he would awake with pain in his chest.

 

He gives up on sleep and heads to the ‘fresher. He lets the water run over his body and lets his tears mingle with the stream. It’s easier to cry in the shower because you can pretend the tears aren’t there. Once he is all covered up, he decides to see if there’s any updated on the location of the Resistance. He is about to head to the bridge when he absentmindedly tugs on the invisible cord again and it _gives_. A frisson of hope ignites in his soul as he follows it a bit further.

 

Suddenly the air feels like it is sucked out of the room and he can hear nothing, see nothing but her. She is there in all her glory. Her hair still half down in the style she had when he last saw her, even if it is a bit longer now. Her wraps are different and her shirt… Force, had she always shown that much cleavage? She is illuminated by a beam of light across half her face and he has never been so happy to see another human in his entire life. His heart stops for a second. “Rey,” he breathes.

 

Her face is stern, but there’s something else there, simmering beneath the surface. “ _Supreme Leader_.”

 

His face falls. He balls his fist. “Why did you let me back in?”

 

Confusion washes over her. “I-I’m not sure. I think I wanted to see you, but now I’m just mad again.”

 

He lets his hurt and feelings of betrayal pass through their bond. “ _You’re_ mad? I bore my soul to you, and you pulled your weapon on me!”

 

“ _Bore your soul_? You told me I was nothing and asked me to burn the galaxy down!” He can feel her heartache pass through as well. “And I wasn’t trying to harm you, only to take it with me.”

 

“Well, I was just trying to stop you from leaving me! The way everyone does.” He doesn’t say it out loud, but he thinks it. _You broke my heart_.

 

She must hear it, through the bond, because her eyes flutter up to his. “You broke mine, too.”

 

He lifts a hand to wipe away the tear that’s falling down her cheek, but she vanishes before him. He hangs his head and swears to apologize next time.


	25. where do we draw the line

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where Do We Draw the Line by Poets of the Fall for Anonymous
> 
> Rating: T  
> Canonverse, Post-TLJ

_On your palm an endless wonder_   
_Lines that speak the truth without a sound_   
_In your eyes awaits the tireless hunger_ _  
Already looks for prey to run down_

  
_So why do we keep up this charade_ _  
How do we tell apart the time to leave from the time to wait_

  
_What does tomorrow want with me_   
_What does it matter what I see_ _  
_ _If it can't be my design_   
Tell me where do we draw the line

 

She stares at his hand reaching out for her own. Ungloved this time, she can see subtle calluses from where he holds his saber. His are some of the biggest, strongest, warmest hands she’s ever seen.

 

Tentatively, she reaches out and touches his fingers with hers, just like they had many lunar cycles ago on Ahch-To. She gasps as the visions flood through again - visions of a happy future, she and Ben, together. Luke isn’t there to stop them this time, and her hand grasps his. He pulls her toward himself and soon they are embracing, her face pressed against his broad chest as she lets the tears freely flow.

 

He lifts her head and cups her face his hands. So warm, so gentle. He wipes her tears away with the pads of his thumbs, and she can see his own glistening in his amber eyes. “Rey,” he whispers reverently, as if he is afraid he’s become unworthy of saying her name.

 

“Ben,” she says, trying to convey all she wants to say in one syllable. Impossible. She slides her hand up his cheek to catch the single tear that emerges. He is so beautiful when he lets his guard down.

 

He presses his forehead to hers and closes his eyes, and she can feel his roiling emotions through their bond. When he opens his eyes to look at her again, they have gone dark with want. She is no longer afraid of this look, and guesses her gaze must look similar as she rises up to meet him halfway.

 

If she thought the visions when they touched hands were intense, then nothing could have prepared her for what she would see when their lips meet for the first time. She sees galaxies and endless worlds, bound together by the Force, by love. She sees life and death and all that exists in between. But she also sees him, just him, beautiful and free from the chains of his past, opening himself to love her with his whole being. It is almost too much, and she draws back, eyes wide.

 

“I felt it, too,” he says, the shock evident across his features.

 

“What are we going to do?” she asks helplessly.

 

“I don’t know,” he says, pressing another kiss to her temple. He brushes a lock of hair behind her ear, and then the Force takes him away.

 

Tomorrow they will meet in person, on the battlefield, and she knows she cannot kill him.


	26. poison & wine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poison & Wine by The Civil Wars for laribernardi
> 
> Rating: M  
> Modern AU

 

_I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back_   
_The less I give the more I get back_   
_Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise_ _  
I don't have a choice but I'd still choose you_

  
_Oh I don't love you but I always will_   
_Oh I don't love you but I always will_   
_Oh I don't love you but I always will_   
_Oh I don't love you but I always will_   
_Oh I don't love you but I always will_   
_Oh I don't love you but I always will_ _  
Oh I don't love you but I always will_

_  
_ _I always will_

 

“If that’s the way you feel, then maybe I shouldn’t move in!” Ben shouts at her. They are standing in the street. Out of nowhere, the floodgates open and the heavens pour down on them, drenching them both thoroughly.

 

“Fine!” she screams back.

 

“Fine!”

 

Rey runs inside the Victorian two-story house her grandfather left to her in his will, heels clacking on the original hardwood floors. She is crying, but she doesn’t want Ben to see. She doesn’t even close the door. She hugs herself tight for warmth, heading straight for the bathroom.

 

He slowly follows her inside and shuts the door behind him. His boxes are strewn about haphazardly amongst her things. She has only lived here for six months, and he only just moved his stuff in two days ago. This isn’t going well. He pounds his fist into the closed door. Why does he insist on fucking up everything he touches?

 

She doesn’t check to see if he followed or left. She tries to tell herself she doesn’t care as she turns the hot water on and begins peeling off her wet clothes. She looks at herself in the mirror, the mascara running down her face. Is this what love is supposed to feel like? Because it feels like shit.

 

Ben creeps up the stairs, the third one making that horrible creaking. He makes a mental note to fix it later. He can hear the shower running as he turns the corner. A little bit of steam escapes the door as he approaches, and he silently slips inside, begins to undress. He doesn’t wait for an invitation as he peels back the curtain and steps inside to join Rey. She doesn’t act surprised to see him, says nothing as he presses his lips to her shoulder blade. He washes her hair for her, scrubs her back, runs his hands all over her body, trying to apologize with flesh as he is so bad with words.

 

“Ben!” she cries out as she comes undone underneath him on the cherry wood four-poster bed. They are terrible at so many things, but they have always been good at this. He thrusts into her one last time, finding his release before pulling out. As soon as she is empty, she turns her back to him, laying on her side. She silently wishes for his arm to snake around and pull her close, but it never comes.

 

He doesn’t make good on his promise to not move in. Instead she helps him unpack, memories spilling out of the boxes like blood on the battlefield. Is this how you cobble together a life, from spare and found parts? A delicate glass vase that belonged to his grandmother falls out of her hands and shatters on the floor. “I’m so sorry, Ben,” she cries into his arms as he strokes her back. He never knew the woman anyway.

 

They don’t say the L word. Both too broken to know if that’s what they’re really feeling in the first place, they’re scared that whoever pulls the trigger first might be seen as the weaker one. They both refuse to be weak. And that’s how Rey finds herself with a backpack slung over her shoulder, tip-toeing to the front door at 2am on a Tuesday. Her hand reaches the knob when a voice from the sitting room says, “Don’t go.”

 

She thought Ben was asleep, but obviously she was wrong. “I can’t do this,” she whispers. “It’s too hard.”

 

He comes out into the hall, half of his face illuminated in the shaft of moonlight coming in through the front door. She almost forgot how beautiful he is. “I don’t know what I’m doing, and neither do you. We’ve never had anyone to teach us how to do it right. But I choose you, Rey. Every morning I wake up, and I choose you.”

 

She lets her bag fall to the floor.


	27. derniere danse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Derniere Danse by Indila for Anonymous
> 
> Rating: T  
> Canonverse, Post-TLJ

****_Que d'espérance_   
_Sur ce chemin en ton absence_   
_J'ai beau trimer, sans toi ma vie n'est qu'un décor qui brille_ _  
Vide de sens_

  
_Je remue le ciel le jour, la nuit_   
_Je danse avec le vent la pluie_   
_Un peu d'amour un brin de miel_   
_Et je danse, danse, danse, danse, danse, danse, danse_   
_Et dans le bruit, je cours et j'ai peur_   
_Est-ce mon tour?_   
_Vient la douleur_   
_Dans tout Paris, je m'abandonne_ _  
Et je m'envole, vole, vole, vole, vole, vole_

 

 _What hope_   
_On this path in your absence_   
_I have to work hard, without you my life is only a shining decor_ _  
Empty sense_

  
_I move the sky the day, the night_   
_I dance with the wind the rain_   
_A little love a bit of honey_   
_And I dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance_   
_And in the noise, I run and I I'm afraid_   
_Is it my turn?_   
_Comes the pain_   
_In all Paris, I abandon myself_ _  
And I fly, fly, fly, fly, fly, fly_

 

It is dark. Empty. Lonely. Without her, nothing seems to make sense. He’s having trouble differentiating the day from the night out here in the emptiness of space. He loses track of time, and starts to lose his grip. He is a leader only in name, the day-to-day of running a militaristic regime being handled by… not him.

 

So it makes sense when he takes off alone in his TIE silencer. No one would miss him anyway. The one person who might is still painfully silent. He presses on the bond for the hundredth time today and still feels… absolutely nothing.

 

He isn’t sure what his destination is. He decides to let the Force guide him. So when the crystal blue waters and grass covered islands of Ahch-To come into view, he is surprised. But should he be? This is where Rey was for all of their first interactions through the Force. It makes sense that he would be led here.

 

It rains, and he is soaked through. He’s not sure what he thought he’d find here, but it is becoming increasingly clearer by the day that it’s not her. He can feel the traces she left behind, but that’s about it. He is sitting inside one of the stone huts, when a voice jars him out of his reverie. “What are you doing here, Ben?”

 

He gasps and is afraid, but only for a moment. The dead cannot hurt you. “I’m not sure, really.”

 

His Uncle Luke is glowing bright blue at the edges. It’s unnerving, really. “I think you know, deep down. You want to be better for her, don’t you?”

 

He doesn’t owe him an explanation, but he is too exhausted to lie. “Yes, I do.”

 

He follows his uncle’s ghost up the long winding path to a cave with a reflecting pool. On the mosaic inside the pool is a figure, half light, half dark. It is the Prime Jedi. “Rey learned a valuable lesson here. I think you will, too.” With that, he vanishes.

 

It is dark by the time he leaves the cave and the Lanais are having their celebration, where the males come back to the island to join them. He makes his way down to the party, if only to observe. He can’t help the smile that tugs at his mouth as he watches the strange creatures dance to their festive music. Suddenly, he can feel the air around him shift and he turns abruptly to see her. “Rey,” he whispers.

 

“Ben?” She looks around. She can see his surroundings. “You’re on Ahch-To? Why?”

 

“Looking for answers, I guess. Same as you once did.”

 

She shrugs, but her gaze softens. “You’re different.” She can feel it through their bond. There is less conflict, and arguably more light than ever before. She feels a bloom of hope, and he can feel it, too. Her head turns, and she watches the Lanais for a second. “Their last festival, when I was here… Luke taught me how to dance.”

 

He is shocked. “He what?!”

 

“C’mon,” she grabs his hands and _Force_ , it feels good to touch her again. She places a tentative hand on his chest, and he wraps his arm around her waist. They dance in time to the music, slowly pulling in closer, until her head is on his chest and they have both their arms wrapped around each other.

 

Tomorrow he will figure out his next move. Tonight he dances with the woman he loves.


	28. fall at your feet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fall At Your Feet by Crowded House for Anon
> 
> Rating: T  
> Canonverse, Post-TLJ

****_You're hiding from me now_   
_There's something in the way that you're talking_   
_Words don't sound right_   
_But I hear them all moving inside you_ _  
Go, I'll be waiting when you call_

  
_And whenever I fall at your feet_   
_You let your tears rain down on me_ _  
Whenever I touch your slow turning pain_

 

It took some time, several lunar cycles in fact, for Rey to let him back in. He didn’t blame her, not after his performance on Crait. He lost it, like a rabid animal. He thought if he could destroy everything he loved, the pain would stop. That was foolishness, the pain would always be there. But somehow, it’s not as bad when she’s around.

 

Tonight the Force connects them in the middle of their slumber. It must be several hours ahead wherever Rey is because he can see the sunshine start to seep in and illuminate her skin with shafts of light. She is radiant. He draws her close and she sighs contentedly, nuzzling into his chest. The Force can be both cruel and kind. Lately, it’s been kind enough that Kylo doesn’t know what he’s done to deserve it. Rey is not only speaking to him again, but she lets him touch her. It’s only ever chaste, like this. Innocuous cuddles that they can chalk up to being sleep-addled. He is always wide awake when he can hold her.

 

She slowly opens her eyes, looks up at him and smiles. He feels his chest constrict. Can she feel through the bond how much he is already in love with her? Surely she must. “Good morning,” she says, tucking a lock of his hair behind his ear.

 

“It’s still the middle of the night here,” he replies.

 

“Oh okay. Well, I have to get up soon.” She looks to the side at what he can only assume is a chrono. “Can’t miss breakfast.”

 

“Of course not. It’s the most important meal of the day.” He cocks a little grin.

 

“Right. I’ll let you get back to sleep, then.” She moves to get out of the bed, and he stops her with a hand on her arm.

 

He is shaking with nerves, but she’s so close. He chickens out at the last minute and places a light kiss at her temple. “Have a good day, Rey.”

 

“You too, Ben.”

 

*

 

The next time they are connected, she is crying. He immediately stops what he’s doing and moves toward her to touch her face. She breaks the contact, and says loudly, “Don’t touch me!”

 

“Rey, what’s wrong? What happened?”

 

Continuing to speak in a voice that’s too high a volume for normal, she continues, “I never asked for this! I’m shutting you out so you can never bother me again!”

 

His eyes widen in shock. Something is definitely off. Then, in the quietness of his mind, he can hear her. _They found out about the bond. They’re going to lock me up if I don’t close it off. I’m so sorry, Ben_.

 

He sinks to his knees and wraps his arms around her legs. He can feel his own tears starting to dampen her pants. _Please don’t do this, Rey. Don’t leave me again._

 

_I promise, it won’t be forever. I’m going to find a way to leave. Will you meet me?_

 

_Of course. Anything._

 

She kneels down in front of him and grabs his face in her hands. She presses her lips to his, and he can feel the wetness on her cheeks.

  
_I’ll wait for you_ , he says as she disappears.


	29. kiss the girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kiss the Girl from The Little Mermaid for Anon
> 
> Rating: T  
> Modern AU

_ Yes, you want her _ __   
_ Look at her, you know you do _ __   
_ It's possible she wants you too _ __   
_ There's one way to ask her _ __   
  


_ It don't take a word, not a single word _ _   
_ _ Go on and kiss the girl, kiss the girl _

 

This was not how the trip was supposed to go. After several days of team-building exercises, awkward sharing sessions, and lavish meals, half of the staff was now sick with food poisoning. Today was supposed to be an off day, a fun day. They were supposed to go to Disney World. Even though Ben was thirty-two, he hadn’t been since he was a child, and he was actually excited for it. 

 

He also knew for a fact that Rey had never been. Coming over from the UK as a child and then immediately being thrust into the foster care system left her lacking a lot of what Ben would deem normal childhood experiences. The more he got to know her, the more he wanted to make up for all these things she missed out on. There was only one problem: he was pretty sure she hated him. 

 

Oh she was perfectly civil at the office, and when they needed to work together, she tolerated him. Still, he couldn’t help but notice how she sometimes looked at him like he was a puzzle she couldn’t quite solve, or the way she would briefly glance at him when she was hanging with her work friends, Finn and Rose. He could only imagine what they might be whispering about him. 

 

This trip, though? It was a chance to make a good impression, to change her opinion of him. To make her think of him as more than just a supervisor or the boss’s son. He thought he was gaining some traction, too. He had actually made her laugh yesterday. Now almost everyone was sick, and he felt his chances slipping away. He made his way to his mother’s hotel room. 

 

“Don’t be ridiculous, Ben. Of course I want you to still go. You’re not sick, and I’m pretty sure there’s a few others who aren’t, too. We paid a lot of money for those tickets and the extra amenities. The shuttle will be here at nine, and you had better be on it.”

 

“Yes, mother.” There really was never a point in arguing with Leia Organa-Solo, CEO of Skywalker Enterprises. 

 

Only, there weren’t a few others not suffering the ills of food poisoning, there was only one. Rey. She smiled at Ben as he walked to the shuttle stop where she was already waiting. “Thank goodness I’m not the only one who didn’t eat the fish.”

 

“Nope. Can’t stand seafood. Guess you’re stuck with me all day at the happiest place on earth,” he quipped. 

 

“Nah, I’m glad it’s you,” she said, looping her arm through his while they waited. 

 

The alarms in Ben’s head were at an all-time high. She initiated physical contact? But why?! “I’m glad it’s you, too.”

 

They wind up spending the whole day at the Magic Kingdom, having too much fun to attempt any of the other parks. Rey was enthralled by everything of course, and Ben can’t help but become even more smitten with her than he was before. He watched her eye a pair of Little Mermaid mouse ears, complete with sparkly teal scales and a glittering purple bow in the middle. When she left the store to go outside and get and ice cream, he surreptitiously purchased them for her. 

 

Rey stood eating her ice cream, careful to not let any drip over her fingers. Ben watched as her tongue darted out to catch the errant dribbles and felt his breath catch. “Here,” he said, reaching into the bag and placing the ears on her head. 

 

Her eyes lit up when she looked at him. “You didn’t have to do that!”

 

“I wanted to.”

 

“Ariel’s my favorite.” She tossed the stick from her dessert into a nearby trash can as the walked back towards the front of the park for the parade. 

 

As if on cue, “Kiss the Girl” started playing over the speakers. Sebastian might as well have been singing straight to Ben. Before he could lose his nerve, he slipped his hand into hers, lacing their fingers together. 

 

Rey stopped and looked at their hands, then up at Ben. Crap, he had misstepped, hadn’t he? Instead, she rewarded him with a true smile. “Rey, I- I’ve been wanting to tell you-“

 

He never got a chance to finish his sentence because she cut him off with her lips crashing into his. He accepted it, without question, kissing her with all the passion he’d been keeping pent up for the past several months. Apparently, she didn’t hate him. 


	30. everywhere

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everywhere by Fleetwood Mac for Anonymous
> 
> Rating: T  
> Canonverse, Post-TLJ

_Can you hear me calling_   
_Out your name_ _  
You know that I'm falling and I don't know what to say_

  
_Oh come along baby_   
_We better make a start_ _  
You better make it soon before you break my heart_

  
_Oh I_   
_I want to be with you everywhere_   
_Oh I  
I want to be with you everywhere_

 

It’s not right, without her here. This is what Kylo is thinking as he watches the binary sunrise on his current planet of exile. He is a fugitive, on the run from Hux and the First Order. He saw the coup coming from a mile away and chose to leave rather than fight. He knew there weren’t enough loyal to him to make a stand. Besides, he doesn’t want the galaxy if he has to rule it alone.

 

There is now a bounty on his head. So now he has taken to living like a nomad - avoiding crowded planets, hunting and foraging for his own food. He kriffing _hates_ it. He can’t believe Rey lived for so long as a scavenger. He thinks of her again as he swirls the instant caf in his metal tumbler, tugging on the fragile string that connects them, hoping she’ll show.

 

“It’s beautiful here.” He feels the sudden warmth of her thigh against his as she nestles down beside him. Their bond has grown stronger in the past few months, now they can see each other’s surroundings.

 

He turns and feels his chest constrict. She must have just finished her morning workout because she is flushed, random wisps of hairs sticking to her cheeks and forehead. “Not as beautiful as you,” he says, meaning every word. She is radiant, and he can smell the faint musk of her exertion. He’d give anything to be where she is right now.

 

“Ben,” she chides, burying her face in her knees as she draws them up and loops her arms around them. He has found she is unaware of her profound beauty, like no one has ever told her before how breathtakingly gorgeous she is. It makes him sad.

 

“I’m sorry,” he says instead, turning back to look at the sunrise. He sips his caf and ignores his body’s desperate pleading to touch her.

 

“For what?” She looks up at him, eyes glittering in the early morning light.

 

“Everything.”

 

She nods, the weight of what he’s saying heavy on her heart. “Okay.”

 

“Rey, I- I should have never asked you to rule the galaxy with me. That was never what I really wanted.”

 

“What did you want, Ben?” Her gaze is so hopeful. Could it be she feels the same way?

 

“You. Just you,” he says and reaches out a careful hand to brush her cheek.

 

She leans into it, kisses the inside of his palm. “That’s all I want, too.”

 

Suddenly they are kissing for real, his hands moving to wrap around her waist, entwine in her hair. Hers moving to his chest, his shoulders, and finally his raven locks that she’s been longing to touch for the longest time. It is warm, tender, and chaste… until it turns heated and passionate, a clash of teeth and tongues punctuated by fervent moans. When they finally break for air, the tension of their secret bond finally released, they can’t help but laugh.

 

“Tell me where you are,” she says. “I’m coming for you.”

 

“What about the Resistance?”

 

“Ben, Poe kicked me out weeks ago after he found out I’d been talking to you. I didn’t come to you sooner because I wasn’t sure if you still wanted-”

 

He cuts her off. “Rey, the only place I’m interested in being is anywhere you are.”

 

She smiles wide and nods before disappearing. The next time he sees her will be in person.


	31. everywhere you look

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everywhere You Look (Full House theme) for Anonymous
> 
> Rating: T  
> Modern AU

_Everywhere you look, everywhere you go_  
 _There's a heart (there's a heart), a hand to hold onto_  
 _Everywhere you look, everywhere you go_  
 _There's a face of somebody who needs you_  
 _Everywhere you look_  
  
_When you're lost out there and you're all alone_  
 _A light is waiting to carry you home_  
 _Everywhere you look_

 

Ben has a crush on his neighbor. From the first day she moved in, and stepped on his foot while dropping the large box she was carrying, scattering its contents on the floor, he knew he was a goner. Normally, an accident like this would’ve sent him into a fit of rage, but as he picked up the model airplane that had fallen out of the box and met her hazel eyes, he swears the world stopped spinning for a second.

 

Her name is Rey, and he couldn’t have imagined a better name for her, since she has become quite the beacon of light in his life. Anytime they happen to leave their apartments at the same time, his face lights up as they walk together to the corner, or sometimes to the subway. Once, she was getting off several stops after him so they rode together the whole way, quietly chatting about their lives. That was his favorite day.

 

He hasn’t asked her out yet. He’s scared that she’ll say no, or that she just sees him as a friend. He has seen the various people that come to visit her and wonders if one of them might be her boyfriend. Regardless, he has resolved to be the best neighbor he can, and comes running anytime she needs him.

 

It is particularly stormy tonight. The thunder booming outside reverberates through the old building. After a particularly loud crack, the power goes out. Ben busies himself in his apartment, lighting every last candle he can find. It always takes forever for the electric company to turn it back on.

 

It has been eerily quiet in the hallway, so he goes to check on Rey. He knocks several times and waits, but she doesn’t answer. He leaves his door open ever so slightly, the soft glow of the candles seeping out into the corridor. About fifteen minutes later, there’s a soft rap at the door. “Ben?” she asks timidly peering inside.

 

“Rey! I came to check on you, to make sure you were okay. Come in.”

 

She makes her way inside. She’s dressed in sweats and her hair is damp. “I was in the shower when the electric cut out. Took me awhile to figure everything out in the dark.” She smiles and he feels his heart melt.

 

“Well, I’ve got tons of candles and extra blankets if you’d like to hang out here until it comes back.”

 

“I’d like that.”

 

He gets out a deck of cards and they play gin. Rey beats him mercilessly. He loves listening to her laugh. They’re having so much fun together, that they almost don’t notice when the lights come back on.

 

“Well, I guess I should get going,” she says, shrugging off the blanket from her shoulders and rising off his couch.

 

“Of course,” he says, because what else would he say? _I like you, please stay, possibly forever?_

 

“Thank you for always being so nice to me, Ben. You’re one of the good ones. Every time I need you, you’re always there.” She turns as she’s about to walk out the door. Her cheeks turn pink. “I thought maybe… for awhile there, that you liked me. But now I know, you’re just a really good neighbor, probably the best I’ve ever had.” She goes back to her apartment, leaving him shell-shocked.

 

He stares after her for a beat too long, working up the courage to follow. When he finally does, he can barely feel his legs carrying him the short distance across the hallway to her door. He bangs a little too loudly on it and shifts impatiently while he waits. After what seems like an eternity, Rey opens the door. Her face is flushed, and she looks gorgeous.

 

“I do!” He yells before he can talk himself out of it.

 

“What?”

 

“I do like you, for what it’s worth. I didn’t think I had a chance, so-”

 

He doesn’t get to finish his sentence as she pulls him towards her and kisses him. When she lets him go, she says, “I was hoping you’d say that.”


	32. trade mistakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trade Mistakes by Panic! At the Disco for obsessivepropulsive
> 
> Rating: M  
> Canonverse, Post-TLJ

_I feel marooned in this body_   
_Deserted, my organs can go on without me_   
_You can't fly these wings_   
_You can't sleep in this box with me_

_  
Let me save you hold this rope _

  
_I may never sleep tonight,_  
 _As long as you're still burning bright_  
 _If I could trade mistakes for sheep,_  
 _Count me away before you sleep_  
 _I'll still wait till I trade my mistakes,_  
 _So they fade away_

 

Three hundred and forty-two. That’s how many ceiling panels make up his Supreme Leader-sized room. Kylo knows because he’s been counting them. He can’t sleep. Again. He’s always had trouble sleeping, but lately it has been worse. You would think that with Snoke dead, his nightmares would have died, too. But he dreams different scenarios now… he dreams about things he can never have.

 

The Force can be cruel when it wants. Tonight, it wants. He starts over at one with the panels but doesn’t get far in his counting before the vacuum of sound that signals her arrival interrupts his vigil. This has happened the past two nights.The first night, she didn’t even wake up. He just watched her sleep for nearly an hour until the Force took her away. The second night her breathing changed and he knew she knew, but she didn’t say anything. She pretended to sleep through it, and he pretended his heart wasn’t ripping in two.  

 

Tonight, though, she is facing him when she appears. Her eyes widen in shock, then she steels them and turns over, her back towards him. “Rey, please… talk to me.” He reaches over and hovers his hand above her shoulder, then thinks better of it and retracts it, placing it at his side.

 

“What is there to say?”

 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, feeling himself on the verge of tears. “For all of it. I should have never - it should have been - why didn’t you just kill me?”

 

She turns back over to face him, “What?”

 

“When you woke up first in the throne room, you should have killed me. I’d rather be dead than living the way I am now.”

 

Despite her better judgement, she reaches out to touch his face. “Ben, don’t say that.”

 

“Why not? I’m barely eating, I can’t sleep. I offered you everything, and you didn’t want me.”

 

Her voice is raised when she says, “That’s not true! You offered me the _galaxy_ , not yourself. Things would have been different if that’s what you had meant. Why would I want to join a regime bent on destroying everything?”

 

He props himself up on his elbow. “That’s _not_ what I meant. I wanted us to change things!”

 

“And I just wanted you!”

 

As soon as the words leave her mouth he surges forward to claim her lips with his own. He half expects her to push him away, but she doesn’t. Instead she runs her tongue along his mouth and nibbles his lower lip. “Rey, I want you so badly.”

 

_You have me_ , comes her response through the bond. They continue kissing, and he becomes bolder, mouthing at her breasts, pushing a hand past the waistband of her sleep pants. He delights in the noises she makes, and the thoughts she sends him through their connection. _Yes, please, there, more. Ben, Ben, Ben!_ Her eyes widen, alight with passion, and he can feel its fire in his veins as well. But what a lovely way to burn.

  
It is over too soon, and he is left frustrated and alone, the Force having swept her from his presence once more. He rolls over and stares at the panels again. _One, two, three..._ He now has something he didn’t have before, hope. If she still wants him, then maybe he can become the kind of man who is worthy of her love.


	33. sirens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sirens by Cher Lloyd for Anonymous
> 
> Rating: T  
> Mermaid AU

_ I carry the weight of you in my heavy heart _ __  
_ And the wind is so icy, I am numb _   
_ I carry the weight of you heading back to start _ _  
_ _ With the thousand eyes on me, I stumble on_

_ I am tired, I'm growing older _ __  
_ I'm getting weaker everyday, yeah _   
_ I carry the weight of you _ _  
_ _ I carry the weight of you_

__  
_ Lay down here _ __  
_ Beside me in the shallow water _ __  
_ Beside me where the sun is shining on us still _ __  
_ Lay down here _ __  
_ Beside me in the hallowed water _ __  
_ Beside me where the silver lining stays until _ _  
_ _ The sirens' calling_

 

The winds whipped around the ship, rippling the sheets of rain in a sideways fashion. Ben’s clothes were already soaked through. He never really liked the ocean, never got his ‘sea legs’ as his father called them. Yet he still set sail with him whenever he asked, wanting to be the dutiful son. To not be a disappointment. He could hear Han yell something at him from the helm of the  _ Falcon _ , but it died on the wind. 

 

Grabbing the rigging for support, he lurched forward clumsily, his feet slipping on the drenched deck. He’d be lucky if he lived through this storm instead of succumbing to Davy Jones’ locker. A flash of lightning blazed through the sky and hit the foresail, sparking it aflame instantaneously. He called for his father and tried to scramble to his side, but in his haste, he failed to noticed the boom that had come loose and veered right towards him. Suddenly everything went black.

 

* * *

 

The softest hand caressed Ben’s cheek as his eyelids fluttered open. He was lying prone on the shore. The waves lapped around his body but he could feel the sand beneath him. “You’re okay. You’re alive.” 

 

Her voice was like honey, sweet and smooth. All he could see was a fuzzy outline backlit by the too bright sun. She was shades of chestnut and praline melting into the bright chartreuse of the sky. He blinked a few times, willing her to come into focus, this goddess with her hand on his face. His lips opened as if to speak, but he found them salty, dry, his tongue stiff and incapable of sound. 

 

“Don’t try to speak. You’ve been in the sea too long. Once you’ve gathered your strength, find fresh water on the island. I’ll come back for you.”

 

He felt her hand leave just as his vision returned enough to see. A flutter of damp chestnut hair was all he saw before he heard a splash in the water and she disappeared from view. He sat up shakily, taking in his surroundings. The beach was beautiful, palm trees and other tropical vegetation within his reach. He knew this meant water nearby. Pieces of the  _ Falcon  _ washed up on the shore, but there was no sign of his father. He could only assume the worst and carry that weight with him.

 

Ben trekked to a pond further inland and gathered wood to make a fire on the beach. If he ever had hopes of being rescued, he needed to stay close to the ocean. By the time darkness fell, he wondered if he had imagined the fair maiden who had seemingly rescued him, her voice like music to his ears. He shivered in the chill of the night, despite his dry clothes and the warmth of the fire. Then, on the rocks he saw an outline, a shapely shadow beckoning him to come. He abandoned the safety of his fire to answer the siren’s call.

 

When he reached the outcropping, he saw her, the moonlight illuminating her tawny skin. She was unabashedly topless and her elegant curves descended into a luminous fishtail, scales sparkling as bits of light caught the drops glistening there. She was, without a doubt, the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. “It is you,” he breathed, scrabbling for purchase on the rocks as he tried to make his way to her.

 

“Please don’t hurt yourself. You need your strength.”

 

He paused in his tracks. “I need to see you up close.”

 

She gracefully slid back into the water and swam to him. Rising out of the water, she pulled herself up next to him with her well-defined arms. His cheeks and ears flamed as he realized the nearness of her naked chest. “I was worried you wouldn’t remember me.”

 

“How could I forget you? Tell me your name.”

 

“Rey.”

 

“Beautiful, like the sun. You saved me.” Her breath hitched as he reached for her, cupping her face in his hands. “My name is Ben. I owe you my life.”

 

She placed her hand on his chest, leaning into him. “You owe me nothing, Ben. What is this?”

 

“I don’t know, but I feel it, too.” He closed the small distance between them and claimed her lips with his own. She tasted like the sea, and he wanted more.

 

“Stay with me?” she asked when they finally separated.

 

“Forever. I’m yours. Show me what to do.” 

 

She guided him beside her in the shallows, moonlight the only witness to their sacred ritual. There they stayed throughout the night, allowing the old magic to unfold at its leisure. When morning broke upon the island, there was no trace of either sailor or siren.

 

* * *

 

  
Han Solo survived the shipwreck as well, but never was able to find his son. He mourned his loss the only way he knew how, by throwing himself back into the one thing he was good at. He found a new ship and took to the waters again. Some days when the heat was high and the rum was flowing, he swore he saw the tail of a large fish with the upper half of a man that looked exactly like his long lost progeny. A beautiful female of the same species swam by his side. He would shake his head and carry on, but deep down he felt that they were keeping watch over his vessel. Eventually he had their likeness carved out of wood and mounted to the front of the bow, the pair winding up either side to join in the middle, their hands clasped together. The  _ Balance _ was the fastest ship of the seven seas and weathered every storm for the rest of its captain’s life.


	34. perfect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Perfect by Ed Sheeran for Anon
> 
> Rating: T  
> Canon divergence, Ben and Rey grow up together at the Jedi Academy.

_I found a love for me_   
_Darling just dive right in_   
_And follow my lead_   
_Well I found a girl beautiful and sweet_   
_I never knew you were the someone waiting for me_ _  
'Cause we were just kids when we fell in love_

  
_Not knowing what it was_   
_I will not give you up this time_   
_But darling, just kiss me slow, your heart is all I own  
And in your eyes you're holding mine_

  
_Baby, I'm dancing in the dark with you between my arms_   
_Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song_   
_When you said you looked a mess, I whispered underneath my breath_ _  
But you heard it, darling, you look perfect tonight_

 

When they first met, she was 11 and he was 20, still petulant as a teenager who hated following his uncle around on Jedi missions. The twisted claws that burrowed into his mind went deeper every day. It was becoming more and more painful to fight off Snoke. Then he felt it through the Force, a presence so full of light, it was like a soothing balm to his soul. It was she, climbing out of the innards of a star destroyer and eyeing them warily. She was strong and tan from years of survival in the desert, and he felt an immediate kinship with her, two lonely souls drifting through the ether of space. He had a feeling if Luke had gone alone to Jakku, she wouldn’t have come. But when her bright hazel eyes looked up into his, she found something to trust; and so she came to the academy.

 

It was an accident, their bond. Sacred and special, yes, but still unintentional in its beginnings. A few nights after they got back, Ben was roaming the halls like he always did when the nightmares made him too scared to sleep. He heard a whimpering and realized it was coming from Rey’s room. Silently he approached, not wanting to frighten her. She was thrashing in her bed, sweat beading on her forehead, yet her eyes remained closed. He knew the feeling well. Only wanting to help, he padded over to her bed and stretched out his hand. He’d always wanted someone to soothe _his_ bad dreams. When he entered her mind, he saw so many harsh things - desert vultures, jealous scavengers, and the bantha shit parents who sold her for drinking money. His anger boiled white hot inside him as he felt the darkness coil around his mind. No, he needed to fight it. He needed to use the light to help her.

 

Suddenly, he felt a presence in his mind. Not the slithering whispers of Snoke, but a comforting warmth. He looked down and realized Rey was staring at him wide-eyed. He was helpless as she caught flashes of his parents arguing, the kitchen droid with the knife in its hand, Chewie roaring at Han as he took Ben in his arms and led him away. Slowly, the malevolent shadows shrank back and all he could feel was her. He fell over onto the floor and backed up into the wall as she watched him with curious yet determined eyes. “You,” she said. “You’re just as afraid as I am.”

 

They were a constant companion for each other after that, taking solace in their strange friendship when the others just couldn’t understand. As much as he wanted to think of Rey as a younger sister, she was so much more than that. She was always in his mind, fighting the shadows when he needed her; and he in turn would act as her conscience, giving her all the right advice to excel in her training. When he was off world, he’d see her in his dreams until one day he saw her directly in front of him. They were in hyperspace, and she appeared in his quarters. She was 16 and he hated that he noticed how she was growing up. “Ben!” she squeaked when she noticed him. Her arms came around his neck and he could smell her, the scent of citrus and sunshine.

 

“Well, this is new,” he mused.

 

She took a step back and looked around. “You’re not here, are you?”

 

“Still on the ship.”

 

“Oh.” Her face fell and his heart hurt.

 

The Force kept connecting them, even when they were apart. They seemed to have little control over the timing, though. Once he had been shirtless, and she had screamed. He chuckled to think about it now, but at the time he had been sorely offended. Tonight, though… tonight he couldn’t wait to get back. Tomorrow was Rey’s birthday, and he’d found her the perfect present. Tomorrow she would be 18 and he wouldn’t feel like such a creep for not being able to take his eyes off her any time she entered a room. It was late by the time they landed, and his heart plummeted when he realized she would most likely be asleep. He wouldn’t wake her just to say hi.

 

Grumbling to himself, he took off walking through the courtyard, kicking his shoes off and letting himself feel the grass under his feet, the warm night breeze lifting damp tendrils of hair off his neck. It was getting long, and he thought about cutting it soon. First, he’d like to see what Rey thought. _I think you look handsome_.

 

Her voice was so clear in his head and he whipped around to see her standing there not more than an arm’s length away. She was in her pajamas and her hair was tousled, but she was still the most radiant being he’d ever seen. “Why didn’t you wake me?”

 

“Because I didn’t want to disturb you.”

 

She shuffled over to him, her bare toes curling in the grass. “I felt you come home. You know you can’t hide anything from me.”

 

“I can hide _some_ things.” His brown eyes turned darker, and he could feel her shiver as if it were his own.

 

Closer, she came, until there was almost no space between them. She laid her palm on his chest, and he wondered if she could feel his heart stuttering. Her voice was breathy and deep when she said, “Like what?”

 

“Like this.” He pulled something from his pocket. It was a bright purple gem on a fine silver chain. Her eyes widened as he spun her around so he could put the necklace on her. After he had clasped it - his nervous hands brushing the smooth skin of her neck - he whispered, “Happy Birthday, Rey.”

 

She spun around and hugged him fiercely. “Thank you, Ben.” He could feel the joy rippling off her through their bond, bringing a smile to his face.

 

“Dance with me?” It was an odd request, but she looked so lovely in the moonlight, he couldn’t resist.

 

“Now? I’m all disheveled from sleeping.” She let him take her hand, his other one going to her waist.

 

“No, you’re perfect. You always have been.”

 

They swayed together in the grass under the moonlight for what seemed like hours. When they finally pulled back to look at each other, Rey rose on her tiptoes to mash her lips against his. It was chaste but earnest, and he could feel her panic starting to rise. _Is this okay? Oh kriff, I’m sorry. Please tell me you feel the same way._

 

Her feet fell back to the ground and she looked away with timid eyes. Gently, he cupped her chin with his hand. In truth, it was the first kiss for both of them. Even though he was now 27, no one else had ever caught his eye. If he was being perfectly honest, Ben knew he had been waiting for Rey. There would never be anyone else. He tilted her head upwards so she could look in his eyes as he ducked down to claim her mouth again. This time, he led the kiss, and when he ran his tongue along the seam of her mouth, she opened readily for him. His hands were still on her face when he felt a lone tear trickle down her cheek.

 

Through the bond they were both chanting _I love you, I love you, I love you_.

 

Ben Solo was 30 years old. It had been nearly 10 years since he last felt the desperate gnawing of Snoke in his mind, his childhood tormentor now just a memory. It had been 10 years since a desert scavenger from Jakku changed his life. Today was Rey’s 21st birthday and in a week, she would be his wife. He was glad that Luke had changed the Jedi code to allow for marriage, but he knows that even if he hadn’t, this would’ve happened anyway. He would have followed in Anakin’s footsteps and married her in secret. That’s the one thing he found admirable about his grandfather, his love for Padme.

 

His other half entered the room, jarring him out of his reverie. Really, the wedding was all but a formality, a fond wish of Leia’s to see her only son get married. He and Rey were already bonded in the Force, which in his mind was even more sacred than a ring and a license.

 

“How do I look?” Rey spun around in the backless turquoise dress she had acquired for the evening’s festivities.

 

“Perfect as always,” he replied, quickly sweeping her into his arms and bowing her low as he kissed her fervently. “Happy Birthday, darling.”


	35. kill em with kindness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kill Em With Kindness by Selena Gomez for Anonymous
> 
> Rating: T  
> Canonverse, Post-TLJ

_We’re running out of time_   
_Chasing our lies_   
_Everyday a small piece of you dies_   
_Always somebody_   
_You’re willing to fight, to be right_

  
_Your lies are bullets_   
_Your mouth's a gun_   
_And no war in anger_   
_Was ever won_   
_Put out the fire before igniting_   
_Next time you’re fighting_

  
_Kill 'em with kindness_   
_Kill 'em with kindness_   
_Kill 'em, kill 'em, kill 'em with kindness_   
_Kill 'em with kindness_   
_Kill 'em with kindness_   
_Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead now_

 

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. She was supposed to have taken his hand and he would never have to be alone again. Now, he vows he’ll kill her. It’s what has to happen for his wretched heart to stop bleeding all over the kriffing place and his place in the dark can be fully cemented. He knows how it works. Everything you love must die. He balls his hands into tight fists, clenching until it hurts, until he’s sure the gloves he keeps his hands hidden in will surely burst at the seams. It’s easier to pretend he means a word of this since he hasn’t been able to sense her in weeks.

 

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. He was supposed to order the fleet to stop firing and come back with her. Then she would never have to be alone again. Now, she knows it’s up to the Force to complete its will. She is not enough to sway him. She shouldn’t be surprised. Her parents didn’t stay for her, probably never loved her. Why should she expect Ben to be any different? She knows what is expected of her, but she couldn’t kill him now even if she wanted to. Maybe that’s the reason she keeps the doors in her mind tightly shut, not giving even a crack for his presence to slip through.

 

Months pass in this stalemate. The Resistance grows. The First Order stays relatively the same. Honestly Kylo can’t be bothered to keep up with whatever Hux is doing. Though he knows he should get on top of that. He’s become quite listless devoid of a certain someone’s presence, despite his own instance to himself that he’s fine. He’s not fine. He’s never been fine. Suddenly, the bond flares to life and he sees her. _Rey_. For the first time in ages. His saber flares to life.

 

“What are you going to do with that, Ben?”

 

Her use of his true name hurts him, drives another wedge into his already shattered soul. “I swore I’d destroy you.”

 

She huffs what could be considered a laugh. “You can’t hurt me through the bond.”

 

“Fine,” he replies, disengaging his weapon and flinging it onto his bed.

 

“Besides, you don’t want to kill me.” She takes a few steps closer, celebrating inwardly as he gulps and looks nervous.

 

“I don’t? And why not, don’t you want to kill me?” He thinks he’s got her there. If only he knew how wrong he was.

 

She paused in her tracks, looking rather confused. “No. The Force isn’t done with you, Ben. I haven’t wanted to kill you since Starkiller.”

 

“The Force,” he repeats sitting down on the edge of his bed. “Is that why you didn’t kill me when you woke first on the _Supremacy_?”

 

She could lie, say that’s the only reason. “That’s part of it.” She sits down beside him. “Don’t you see? There’s another way. It doesn’t have to be all death and destruction.”

 

He knows she has a point, that she even could be right. “I don’t know any other way.”

 

She smiles and touches his thigh, causing all the alarms in his brain to go off. “You need a teacher.”

 

His laugh is sardonic, but there. “I suppose you could show me the ways of… what exactly?”

 

“Kindness, compassion… not being a total _nerfherder_.” It’s official, she’s spent too much time with his mother.

 

Rey laughs at the good-natured insult, and he doesn’t care why she decided to let him back in. He feels like he did right before they killed all those guards, like she’s on his side again. “I know compassion. Maybe you could help with the other stuff.” He doesn’t know where this hope is coming from; is he really that gone that a couple minutes with her changes everything?

 

“I want to help you with everything, Ben. I don’t want to fight.” Her eyes are full of hope and she looks from his soulful honey pools down to his lush pink lips. He can feel what she’s thinking through the bond. _No, it can’t be_. “And you don’t want to fight me, either.”

 

“I don’t?” His voice sounds small, and he feels like a teenager again as she’s leaning towards him in slow motion.

 

“You don’t,” she whispers, covering his lips with her own. His hands instinctively wrap around her.

 

He really doesn’t.


End file.
